As I was skimming the Yoga Sutras during commercial breaks for American Idol and in between beer runs, I realized I had no idea what the heck Patanjali was trying to say. After a few more beers, I realized why; Patanjali lived a couple thousand years ago! Sure, there are literally hundreds of translations of the Yoga Sutras but none of them in modern form. Therefore, I have decided that since I am both an expert in Sanskrit and have an MS in BS that I would translate the Yoga Sutras to fit our modern way of living.
[B]The Yoga Sutras 1.1 - 1.51[/B]
1.1. Make room for all the late arrivals, 6 inches between yoga mats. We can fit everyone. Remember, cell phones off. Quiet please. Maam, please move your purse to the wall. Great, now the practice of yoga can begin.
1.2 Yoga is the control and mastery of the mind unless you’re on anti-depressant meds in which case yoga helps you not be quite so much of an unfeeling zombie.
1.3 When your mind is chill, check yourself out dudes. Like serious, wassup.
1.4 When your mind is all like, “HEY LISTEN TO ME YO” you get all schizo and think you’re that mind. LOL. WTF?
1.5 The mind pretty much sucks, so check it out sorta like watching TV. Just eat less Cheetos while you do it.
1.6 There’s five things you need to watch about the mind. Yes, there are only five channels. Just think if the mind had Dish Network how crazy we’d be!
1.7 Three of those channels are cool, one is all commercials the other is QVC.
1.8 If you think something is something but it’s not that something then that’s not so good.
1.9 If you’re fantasizing about some hot babe on the beach then that sucks dude because it’s just a fantasy.
1.10 Dreamless sleep is good cuz your mind shuts the hell up for once but seriously I kinda like dreaming about sex and stuff so whateva.
1.11 Something about memory but I forget.
1.12 You can shut your mind the hell up by continually trying to get it to shut the hell up and not giving a shit about what happens.
1.13 Practice means getting off the couch there tubby. Now do whatever it takes to be chill k?
1.14 If you practice a lot then you will no longer suck.
1.15 When you don’t give a shit, it’s all good.
1.16 Don’t sweat the small stuff, it’s pretty bitching.
1.17 There’s four ways to be totally into something. Like straight locked in.
1.18 You can get super high even without smoking the Mary Jane if you just get your mind to shut the hell up.
1.19. If you rocked it out last life and decided to go all Jesus on us and be born again then it’s much easier to get high even without the chronic.
1.20 Everyone else has to work their asses off but you can only choose from five paths. The other paths lead to stuff like smoking crack.
1.21 If you bust your ass you’ll do better than all those lazy asses. Don’t take meth though, that’s cheating and not good.
1.22 Even if you bust your ass and are super into it, there’s still other ways you can slack off or get er done.
1.23 If you’re all kinds of devoted and know it’s not all about you and are cool with that, you’re going to be super fly.
1.24 Like serious, it’s not all about you k? Yes, I realize you’ve been told you’re a special snowflake, but it’s NOT all about you.
1.25 When you’re higher than you’ve ever been before and it would be pointless to smoke another nug even though you haven’t smoked any anyway, then you can’t get any higher.
1.26 Oh, and that’s how high all the old school teachers were. Dudes knew what was up.
1.27 The hottest single you can download from itunes is OM. It’s where it’s at.
1.28 Om is so rocking you can like feel the love like you’re on X.
1.29 Listening or singing along to OM with your ipod (lol Zune’s suck) will make you realize all kinds of sweet stuff.
1.30 There’s nine things that’ll totally bone you along the way.
1.31 Those nine things cause four other totally sucky things. Bastards.
1.32 To avoid all of that crap focus your mind so much that it’s like watching a single TV show without changing channels. Even if American Idol is on another channel.
1.33 Be cool with happy peeps, feel the pain of those who get boned, be all about good folks, and be like, “whateva” if someone sucks.
1.34 You can make the mind all kinds of chill by breathing right. It’s sorta like huffing gas just without the brain damage.
1.35 Learn to feel the good stuff inside of you instead of heartburn from too much Taco Bell and good things will be all up in your grill.
1.36 Or just be all about that inner good juju and you can make the mind super chill.
1.37 Or sit back and figure out how to not want all that stuff on amazon.com and your mind will be all kinds of chill. Even if there’s a sale. On your favorite eco friendly yoga pants. And they actually have your XXXL size.
1.38 You know how sometimes you sleep but don’t dream? Think about what it’s like when you aren’t dreaming and your mind might shut the hell up and be cool for a bit.
1.39 Or just focus on one thing you really like and your mind might be like, “sweet” and be cool.
1.40 When you can be all about focusing on stuff that’s teeny or huge stuff then that’s good.
1.41 When you shut your mind the hell up then it can do all kinds of cool things like become other things. Trippy huh?
1.42 Sometimes you can totally get into stuff when your mind shuts up in three different ways that are all kinds of crazy.
1.43 When you clean out your dirty ass memory, then everything you focus on becomes super badass.
1.44 This sutra is crazy, you can skip this one cuz I don’t get it.
1.45 Blah blah blah ADHD.
1.47 - 1.51 Seriously who finishes anything these days?
I hope you enjoyed this modern translation of the first part of the Sutras. If you’re now enlightened thanks to me, I get 10% from all the book sales you’re no doubt going to have since it seems like that’s the first thing enlightened people do. Anyway, if anyone is ALMOST enlightened but needs me to translate the second part of the sutras let me know.