Crush on yoga instructor :(

Yoga Discussion General Yoga
#1

Hi, this is my first post here. Before I start, let me tell you this is going to be a long post. I have never told anyone about this because it’s not something to be proud of, and I have no closest friends whom I can rely on. Y’see, I had signed up for a yoga package since last year, and I’ve find classes a lot more interesting as days go by – esp cos it keeps me calm and it’s good for my back either (I’ve scoliosis, sadly).

The title of this post has already explained the whole story that I’m about to say… a story that has been making me suffer in silence and in a loss of what to do. Last year, my boyfriend signed up this yoga package for me after I told him how much I enjoyed the trial lesson. He’s the world’s greatest boyfriend to me, always making me feel so precious in every aspect. But I’ve been tired, lazy and also due to school either, I didn’t really attend the lessons but maybe twice a week? (even though my package is for unlimited classes; I can go anytime and for as many lessons a day). The package isn’t cheap either, but my boyfriend’s willing to pay monthly installment.

Last month, this new instructor came in. I didn’t know he was new…and I was late! so when I entered the class while the rest are already in their warming up postures, I looked down and nodded sorry as I went to find an empty spot. He just kept mumbling “it’s okay it’s okay” with a genuine smile and told me to settle down. That moment, I had a very good impression of him :slight_smile:

I like how he is very conscientious and serious in teaching, making sure everyone of us did the postures correctly. He was very serious with all the students, but what started all this was, he came over to peep at my toe nails. I blushed. Then, I was biting my lower lip as I did my pose…he suddenly told the class “and relax yourself, don’t bite your lips…” It made me blush all the more. So after the second/third lesson, I asked him a question about yoga and he was like “anyway, I didn’t get to catch your name” And from there, we started sharing a lot more things. But till now, I still have no idea if he’s single/attached/married because I did not ask n I guess it’s a bit random if he just talked about it himself?

I sound really silly like it’s a high school crush and all. But people, I have been so sad. Ever since he started teaching at this yoga centre, I’ve been looking forward to his lessons and I admit I’ve been going almost four times a week! I once baked banana muffins and choco chip cookies for him…(and I meant, specially baked and made my way down to give it to him). And the next lesson, we met each other in the lift and he told me how much he liked the muffins and cookies he finished everything within few hours :slight_smile: Sometimes he would come over to talk to me, and even though it’s only for 15 minutes, it felt as though we have chatted since forever. I’m always blushing and being so so so happy when we talk. Y’see, he is a very mature man (probably 30 years old I’m guessing?) and I’ve always had something for mature men. My boyfriend is turning 22 and I’m 19. It is impossible for me to continue dreaming about the yoga instructor because my bf loves me a lot, and vice versa. These few days we’ve gotten so emotional we cried while telling each other how much we both mean to each other :frowning: I love my boyfriend a lot, but I can’t stop thinking of my yoga instructor…nights before drifting off to sleep, I harbored thoughts about him.

It is very wrong, I know it but I have no one to talk to. Please do not judge me because we humans can’t control our feelings, and it’s the first time I am feeling something for someone else, in my 1 year plus relationship with my bf. I believe it is just a crush but I swear I’ve been trying so hard to let this go because I am certain it will come to nothing. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about this either (even though that night he asked if I had something to tell him, and we always share every single thing!). I’m at a loss of what to do. Really. :(:cry:

Well, I do hope anyone can give me advices. And certainly do not wish my yoga instructor to read it else it’d be my greatest embarrassment… Thank you :o

#2

You may receive confusing advice on this and it may be tempting to take advice that fits your immediate wants rather than the long term needs/happiness of yourself and others, be careful.

Be completely honest with yourself, boy friend and instructor as to what is going on in your head. Then educate yourself on relationships so you understand what is happening, you need to eliminate confusion. I?ve read many good Buddhist articles on, unconditional love, selfish love, pleasure, happiness, friendship etc.

#3

Scoliosisgal,

From your writing I can see you are quite upset and desperate for help. With issues like these its easy to come from your own place (meaning mine) and offer advise. But you are not me. What is right for me is not necessarily right for you. You have the answers to you question. You just need time to uncover them. And as Ray said, be very honest. Especially with yourself. And sometimes that is not an easy task.

Hope all turns out well for you.

#4

Both parties; teacher and student, have responsibility in this sort of situation. For me as a teacher it is my job to make sure I am energetically contained and protected (through the meditation “snacks” taught to me by my teacher). If that work is not done by me then I leave or create an opening for such amorous feelings on the part of my students. Whether I declare I am married or in relationship is irrelevant (based on society’s current acceptance of infidelity).

When I am not drawing the pelvic force up to the heart center, when I am not cleaning my aura, when I am energetically unclean that does not serve myself or my students. Though it may serve the ego of both student and teacher it cannot serve the soul, spirit, or source.

I could not expect students new to the practice or new to my class or new to Purna Yoga? to understand these things and therefore it must fall to me.

For the student I would suggest not caving to sensory pleasures AND using the meditation methods conveyed in the teachings they have chosen to transform the pelvic force, the force which holds creativity, desire, lust, and craving. Feelings of these sort, feelings that are not of two complete souls coming together, those feelings are housed in the lower nature, the lower spine, the pelvis, and while they are catered to wantonly in society at-large, it’s not particularly helpful to stoke them in a yoga practice where the intention is to aspire and evolve as human beings.

Of course your particular situation may be unique and different and so on. However this is the general viewpoint from the perspective of Yoga as I understand it, practice it, and teach it.

gordon

#5

I fell in love with my first yoga teacher years ago; a truly wonderful woman on every plane of existence. It’s quite understandable really. A true teacher of yoga will likely embody so much of what we truly want in another (and ourselves) and it’s quite easy to mistake their attention and loving kindness for more than it is.

I think the advice above from other members is wonderful, I just wanted to chime in and say you aren’t alone and it’s understandable. The key is to handle the situation with maturity and grace (which I did not :smiley: )

#6

If you truly do not want to mess your relationship up with your boyfriend you will quit that yoga studio immediately. It doesn’t matter if you go at a different time for a different instructor… there is still chances to bump into him.

The reason I am telling you to quit that studio is because you have already crossed a teeny tiny line in that you specially baked muffins and cookies for him just to get extra contact with him. And how he makes you feel really sounds like you won’t be able to resist him if he makes a move on you.

If you REALLY believe that you can resist him, switch Yoga instructors at that place and do your best to avoid him.

But as those fluttery feelings go when you have a crush on someone–you want to stay in danger and continue to see the person even though you know you shouldn’t. And, even though you swear nothing would ever happen, in a sudden moment (as you tell yourself later “it just happened”) you could suddenly be doing something you really shouldn’t be doing with that person.

#7

[QUOTE=underThesky;59022]If you truly do not want to mess your relationship up with your boyfriend you will quit that yoga studio immediately. It doesn’t matter if you go at a different time for a different instructor… there is still chances to bump into him.

The reason I am telling you to quit that studio is because you have already crossed a teeny tiny line in that you specially baked muffins and cookies for him just to get extra contact with him. And how he makes you feel really sounds like you won’t be able to resist him if he makes a move on you.

If you REALLY believe that you can resist him, switch Yoga instructors at that place and do your best to avoid him.

But as those fluttery feelings go when you have a crush on someone–you want to stay in danger and continue to see the person even though you know you shouldn’t. And, even though you swear nothing would ever happen, in a sudden moment (as you tell yourself later “it just happened”) you could suddenly be doing something you really shouldn’t be doing with that person.[/QUOTE]

You can never control what?s happening in the world around you but you can control the way you react to it, running away does not always help, separating yourself form negatives sometimes a must, exposing yourself to positives helpful.

#8

[QUOTE=underThesky;59022]If you truly do not want to mess your relationship up with your boyfriend you will quit that yoga studio immediately. It doesn’t matter if you go at a different time for a different instructor… there is still chances to bump into him.[/QUOTE]

I think thats the essence of the situation. Knowing that you are sinking deeper and deeper into this situation you know that there is something you can do to stop it. But from mine experience (and my friends, especially girls) I learned that taking this step and severing the contact is VERY unlikely to happen. We just want to be in this situation and pain is not an issue.

scoliosisgal,
I think you have to make difficult decision for yourself which will affect in some degree rest of your life. If you continue to go to his classes, you will in fact say passive “yes” to this new relationship with yoga teacher (it is still relationship, even if you meet only during classes), hoping that something more will happen between you and him. Through that, you will allow those “energies” and situation to develop. And it will become a habit in your life which will be more and more difficult to resist (you know, in every relationship there will be point in which you want to leave for someone “better” than your current partner; the crossroad is what you do with it). From what you wrote, you care about your boyfriend and he is caring about you. You have something great between you, much more wonderful than crush. You need to make a choice between this and crush on this teacher. And this choice boils down to leaving this studio or not.

#9

[U]To ray_killeen:[/U]

I like your reply a lot. I agree that I need to be very honest with myself and as to what is going on in my head. And to be frank, I am not. I know the answer to all of this, what’s happening and how I should react, but I’ve been running away from everything. Thank you for sharing this with me. It’s very helpful.

[U]To lotusgirl:[/U]

Yes, I have been quite upset about this. One sentence from your reply caught me in shock - “You have the answers to your question” - because it makes perfect sense. I just lay in bed thinking about how true it is. Thank you for your reply, appreciate it a lot. Good luck too.
[U]
To InnerAthlete:[/U]

Hi there, thank you so much for taking the effort to reply. I can see you’re a great yoga teacher with a lot of experiences. Wow, and I still have got a lot more to learn…
I’m feeling better from all these kind replies here, and I’m beginning to see the brigher side. Cheers.

[U]To David:[/U]

One thing I’m very certain about is I am not in love with this instructor. Because I have a boyfriend whom treasures me so much I have no regrets living each day with him. I’m jus having a little crush but still, it’s very wrong. I can somewhat understand what you went through and I’m so glad you find my situation understandable either. I will learn to handle this with maturity and grace :slight_smile:

[U]To underThesky & ray_killeen & Pawel;[/U]

I get what you all meant. It’s not what happened but what I do from it that matters.
I felt this sadness lurking in me when I was reading underThesky and Pawel’s posts. It makes perfect sense…

#10

“Ever since he started teaching at this yoga centre, I’ve been looking forward to his lessons and I admit I’ve been going almost four times a week! I once baked banana muffins and choco chip cookies for him…(and I meant, specially baked and made my way down to give it to him)”

All of this slavery just for a few moments of orgasm ?

“Please do not judge me because we humans can’t control our feelings, and it’s the first time I am feeling something for someone else”

I am not judging you, but what you have experienced is nothing more than just becoming intoxicated by hormones. Certainly, we like to exaggerate things and pretend as though it is love or some great phenomenon, because that is the impact that becoming entangled in one’s emotions has. When you are a slave to your emotions it is not different than becoming high on a drug. In the moment - it seems that nothing else matters, one magnifies the situation as though the whole existence depended upon it. The drug blinds your vision and makes you unaware of the reality. Fundamentally, so many things which are often misunderstood as “love” is nothing more than lust. Because without all of those pleasant sensations which are associated, one would not be in the least bit interested in the sexual act. Those pleasant emotions are nature’s way of encouraging you to have sex in order to ensure the survival of the species.

Although it is clear to me that you are not interested in that aspect, Yoga is a science for one’s liberation. If you are becoming entangled in your emotions, then it is going to be destructive to your practice. If you would like to pursue an affair with your teacher, there is nothing wrong with it, but perhaps you should leave the classes and develop the relationship outside of the classes.

#11

[QUOTE=AmirMourad;59127]"…
All of this slavery just for a few moments of orgasm ?
…[/QUOTE]
With only one sentence you’ve said all that needs saying.

#12

Hey scoliosisgal, first of all…take a deep breath and don’t despair. What you’re going through isn’t that uncommon, and nothing bad has happened yet. When I was a yoga student (I’m now an instructor), I used to LOVE this guy’s classes and would go to his class almost every day. We got on super well and we generally used to chat for a LONG while after classes. I was confused as to whether I was developing a crush on him or not, but I didn’t really give it much thought, especially because I knew he was in a relationship and had a little baby.

Anyways, months later, when our ‘friendship’ had become a lot more obvious/stronger, he confessed he was interested in me. It was an awkward moment for me because (thank goodness) at that moment I realized I wasn’t interested in him in that way. Instead of corresponding him, I just talked to him about his relationship, his new kid, how it must be tough to adjust to all the change in his life, but that he shouldn’t look for something outside of his family life, but instead get truly involved in his family and find happiness there.

In my case, it was the teacher that developed a crush on the student, but I still understand. It is very easy to find a great inspiration and source of light and happiness in your instructor, but don’t confuse that with romantic feelings. As an instructor, now, I have to be careful with that, and your instructor doesn’t seem to be doing that. Or maybe he is! But you’ll still see things the way you do, because you [I]have a crush on him[/I]. I can’t know that, and I’m not judging either of you, I’m just advicing you to be careful. Don’t throw away something great with your boyfriend. If you truly love him, fight for that…even if it means fighting yourself.

You know, after this instructor confessed his feelings to me, as much as I didn’t want to, I stopped going to his classes. We became very distant, and now we’re co-workers and we say hi to each other and talk from time to time, but I am BEYOND happy that by walking away I helped him find happiness in his family life, to an extent. Your instructor won’t walk away for you to find full happiness and completeness in your relationship, especially because maybe he has no clue what’s going on in your mind. If you want to save your relationship, it’s you that’s gonna have to take a step back. Whether you want it or not, you are damaging your relationship by frequenting this instructor’s classes. After realizing that, it’s up to you what you do.

I hope you are able to find answers. I’m sending much love, strength and good energy your way. Whatever happens, know that everything happens for a reason, and that you are eqquiped to cope with whatever comes your way whether you are aware of that or not.

Hugs, peace and best of luck!

#13

[QUOTE=AmirMourad;59127]

All of this slavery just for a few moments of orgasm ?

[/QUOTE]

Post and quote of the year!

One of the great moments where I reflexively opened my mouth with intent to dispute or refute and then just sighed and smiled in surrender.

Thank you and well done.

#14

And if you happen to come to the conclusion that you don’t have the structure to apply self-control (mental and sensual) at least break up with your boyfriend and don’t make a fool out of him.

#15

I have the luxury of attending 2 different yoga studios and regularly see 11 different teachers. 1 of them is an excellent male teacher. i have crushes on 90% of my teachers, and 60% of them i really really have a crush on. and the other 30% i would bake cookies and muffins for any day, everyday. As for my male teacher i want to buy a beer for after every class. All that yoga really makes them beautiful.

Oh, did i mention i have crushes on most of my female classmates too? All that half-naked sweatiness and that natural red blush all the girls seem to get. Yogis are hot !

#16

It is not your problem only, it is that of the teacher’s, too.

This is something a good teacher (of any kind) needs to learn, to deal with students who become attached to them. Naturally, when you teach you get attention, because that’s the nature of teaching, also you are in a postion of superiority, as you teach something they don’t know yet.

The teacher must realize when a student becomes attached to him/her. Respect, admiration all support the process of learning. But attachment does not. Attachment is posessive. What can a teacher do in this situation ? If one is a teacher, one needs to seek an absolutely balanced attitide towards the student. That means, not giving any special attention to that student, but also, not treating the student harsher, or in a rejecting manner. Any contacts beyond the nature of the class and the subject of teaching is to be avoided, to not fuel the attachment, but any withdrawal, rejection is to be avoided too, to not fuel frustration, anger and hate (or hopelessness, dispair and so on). Simply, the teacher needs to be there only as a teacher; I strongly believe that if the necessary balance is there in the teachers attitude, the attachement will eventually fade.

This leads to the nature of the teacher. One, as a teacher must not be only knowledgable in one’s area of expertise, but one needs to have a touch for people. One might be very knowledgable and still a bad teacher, because as a teacher you need not only be more knowledgable, but more balanced, more wise, more experienced. That’s why during history, the elder were those who tought. I’d say, a teacher needs a very high EQ, too while the IQ might not be that important. And as yoga teacher one also needs some SQ. (EQ and SQ stand for Emotinal and Spiritual Quotients)
As a teacher, one needs to be able to look beyond one’s teaching psoition, one’s area of expertise, one’s own sexuality (this is common sense already), and see the other person objectivey, but not coldly.

I must admit, that I was obtuse and handled a similar situation without skill. I was teaching teenagers, and one of the girls became attached to me. As a teacher I should’ve noticed this, but I did not. When a classmate, a boy, had a remark about that girl being in love with me, I was shocked, and acted out of this state; I said something like “God forbid it to be true”, and in that I probably hurt that girls feelings a lot. Needless to say, although apparently nothing happaned, my contract was not renewed for the next year. I saw the girl talking to a fellow teacher, a woman, perhaps she confessed to her that she’s troubled by my presence … I don’t know it for sure. Anyway, this was a good lesson for me. Most teachers do not even think about this possibility, that of their students becoming attached to them. Truth is, we need not only think about it, but we need to be able to deal with it graciously, and having the student’s best interest in our mind.

Yes, indifference on erotic level, kindness on human level.

For the OP, let it go. It will pass. Being a man, I still, for long have been an emotional slut. But I might call it emotional sensitivity, and still be right. I recommend focus on the mental and volitional aspects of your life, otherwise you will be prone to attachments of this kind. Think of something else, or someone else. This is a lesson. You need to learn to control your life, instead of your life circumstances controlling you. This is yoga at it’s best.

#17

well you are only 19 its pretty common thing to be going through at your age especially as a girl

most 19 year old girls are boy crazy and think about love sex and relationships allot

relax and just keep practicing it will all fade away with time

Breath in Breath out

Wax on wax off