[quote=Mato;21087]Hello everyone, first post here. I am Dimitri from Greece, [B]25,[/B] graphic designer.
Like the thread title hints, I have this problem.[B] I am quite anxiety and depression prone and for about 5 years now[/B] I have dedicated a massive amount of energy and time trying to improve the situation while [B]avoiding self-destruction[/B] as best as I could. I have tried everything. Macrobiotics, meditation, medication, jogging, breathing, postures, I have tried everything I could think of to inumerable variations.
No matter what though, after all those hours of deep breathing and meditation I have gradually come to realise this [B]tightness in my neck and chest and my breath is always shallow and broken[/B]. This feeling is so sly it’s like second nature to me and to even come close to realising this tightness I have to spend 2 hours meditating and deep breathing. But that’s as far as it goes. I just can not mellow that area out. I am [B]starting to think[/B] there might be something of an anatomical nature going on.
[/quote] Why don’t you go and have them check it ? I mean, that is easy … and it would be silly not to do it before you self-destruct. 
The bottom line is I am so tight I can’t feel my feelings and thus [B]I literally don’t know what I want[/B]. I am so emotionally dry, which is in stark contrast to the extremely passionate person I used to be as child and teenager. I am still hopeful one day I will [B]reclaim my… well, my soul[/B], but [B]I just don’t know what else to do[/B].
Does anyone in here even know what I am talking about? [B]Are there any old tibetan know-it-all people[/B] to share some wisdom?
Hello, Mato. I work in the business, kind of, and Pandara also. So, how is that going, the graphic design ? It should give you statisfaction and self-esteem.
I bolded out some of what you said, to give a clue in interpreting my response.
The massive amount of time and energy dedicated clearly does not work the way you thought it would. But regardless of the expected results, these were not in vane, oh not at all. Perhaps without realizing, you have come far. As one wise man said (a sculptor, Brancusi), no moral energy is ever lost in the universe.
About self destruction … well, I have to spoil that for you. It does not work, it is futile, and actually, you just lengthen your suffering. Why ? Because, beleive it or not, you will be born again, and arrive again to a similar situation, only later, and perhaps under less favorable conditions. The desire for self-destruction is the temptation to avoid our fate, to avoid our current conditions. Fate can be hard, but be sure, that you are only facing diffculties you are able to overcome. Now, overcoming, and sucess in this regard is not equal with what we call sucess in life. One apparently might be very ill, and even die, but the soul has been strenghtened, the conception about the world, changed, and the bases for the better conditions of the next life has been set.
You see, it is not about believing these, but asking your conscience if they make sense. There is this part in us, what desires knowledge, there is this part in us what yearns for understanding, for a world where all occurences make sense.
At your age, you are in the process of finishing the development of your intellectual soul. The next seven years, between 27-35 will be spent developing the consciusness soul. This is also the time when the helping forces leave us to face our fate (karma). You see, life is not about reaching the age of 21, than enjoying it, and living it until we die. While the physical and pshychological development seems to stop at that age, even brain studies show, that we use very little of our brain capacity. The age of 21 is the age when we can say that the eternal spiritual element of our existence, what goes on from life to life has finished it’s descent to the physical world, and we are ready to perform what we have come here for, to face our karma.
I had one such crysis at the age of 27, and another one at 34. The last one lasted for three years. I came out of it transfromed, with a higher consciousness and wisdom than before. Stronger, wiser, more balanced.
Our life is a everlasting process of learning and growth. It is also linked to familial, national, and world karma. And it is not easy, if it would be, we would not gain anything from it. Only trying experiences can make us exercise our self control, discipline, openness, willingness to learn, changing our minds, only these will make us better.
Now, in the limits of a forum thread little can be said to justify all what I have written, nevertheless I wan to share my conviction about these things; that there is a karma we must face, what is usually hard and trying but to our benefit, prepared by a wisdom higher than ours, that of the Self, what goes on from incarnation to incarnation, and there is help if you ask for it. And what is your post, if not that ? Be thankful for your karma what brought you to an open and honest attitude. Indeed what can be more honest form a human being today, than to express: I don’t know ?
You are a valuable and dear being, honest, and brave. If only more would be like you are.
On the other hand, you are too young to entrench yourself in spiritual study. You need to take what this world has to offer, and what is there about in your karma. You need to have meaningful relationships, and a find a lifepartner. Were you in love ? When was the last time ?
What I tried here to do, is to provide a bigger picture. Your problem is that you want to adress your crysis in the manner we treat our ill, by eliminating the symptoms. It is like one would take medicine at puberty to avoid the growth of his beard. Imagine than there would be no adults, only teenagers, and suddenly your beard would start to grow, and your voice deepen, and your penis lenghten, and you had no idea what it is about ! You would try to avoid these seemingly unnatural things to happen, out of ignorance.
A crysis always preceeds a great change. That change might be a quality change in your thought, and emotional life. We have to learn to give full credit to such changes.
In your case, this change consist of knowing yourself better. We all bring a lot of things with us, and some we are able to change, and some we are not. The first teach us to exercise our will and self power, the latter are there to learn accepting our limits, and perhaps to awake a desire in us strong enough to make it happen in our next life. As an example … maybe soome has a deficiency, like one has no musical sense whatsoever. Evere questioned what makes some have certain talents and other do not ? It is the actions of their former lives ! If one is indifferrent towards music, this indifference will descend to the physical level in the next incarnation, becoming an inability. Now, let’s suppose that such person falls in love with a musician, but because his inability, will not be able to enjoy the talent of his beloved. And perhaps because of this he will be rejected. Than a very strong desire will be born in his soul, to overcome this inability, especially becaue he will not be able to achive it in this life, because the nature of his physical instrument. And this desire will give him the interest in music, and this interest in time will grant him the ability to “build” (not by himself, mind you, because our bodies or not built by us, just that our karma is allowed to be woven into them) a suitable physical instrument. What I said about how we are not the ones building our bodies, justifies why by most traditions suicide is perceived as a great error. We have been given these wonderful human bodies, we are granted a new opportunity every time we are born to develop our selves, and follow what is there written as human development. Wisdom needs to be an instrument for a better and more encompassing human life. Don’t you desire that wisdom ? I bet you do. Seek, and you will find, ask and you will be given. Have faith in yourself, you are much more than you think.
