I have been thunked in the heart with a yoga mat. (happily)
I have done some yoga on and off over the years, done some meditation practice, and mostly felt so overweight and awkward that I lost confidence that I was doing it “right”. I feel a sense of compassion for that young woman now, as a bit of an older and wiser woman of today.
I am still overweight and awkward, but so much more confident in my path. This is a long story, but I will do my best to explain why I am going to sign up for next class offerings at my local yoga studio. (This should be some time between now and then, possibly summer)
Always the “mother” of the group of friends growing up. I nurtured, I listened, I accepted their secrets the others would judge them for and gave them true advice from a pure heart. Never the one who wanted to go to the parties, but who played with mud masques at home and drank celestial seasonings with my mother. My mother who took me for walks and taught me the names of the flowers and trees. My mother who gave things to people when they came over as some sort of kind offering. My mother who instilled the same giving nature in me.
I grew up. I went through a lot of suffering. My first son almost passed at 6 weeks old from an un-diagnosed birth defect. He had emergency abdominal surgery to save his life. It took 2 days to rehydrate him by IV before it was safe enough to operate. I almost lost him. I was only 22. My second child at 27 was so different. Just after his 4th birthday he was diagnosed with Autism. And in the midst of all these years my husband has had 4 heart attacks, and has 7 metal stents placed in his heart. During this time I almost lost my life when my liver shut down. I was overflowing with gallstones and they were affecting my pancreas. It took weeks of being in and out of the hospital before they figured out what was wrong. And now, I find out I am living with Celiac disease.
It sounds like a lot for a 36 year old woman! Guess what? I’m happier than I have ever been in my whole life. I place such enormous value on my family that I rarely make time for friendships. My children bring me massive incredible amounts of love every day. I still watch their eyes and expressions the same way I did when they were infants doing something new or learning about life in some way. My husband. He works so hard for his family. He lives in and out of Dr. offices. The time we have is like two best friends finally catching up.
As for this Yoga teacher thread. Now that I have given you some of my backstory…
My little boy. He is the one with Autism. He is turning 9 soon. My mother has been telling me for years I was going to do something for the Autism community, and that I had a calling. I never could figure out my right “fit” until now. The needs of these children and adults who are special and challenged. They need us. They need me. I recently moved and had made the decision to home school my special needs child. Where I was and the program he had available is too far away now. The local programs are just not comparable. I took advantage of knowing I was relocating and decided to observe, and train, and give to my child what he needs in a nurturing and safe environment.
I was missing a piece. How to get him the opportunity to have peers? I found a group on the AutismNJ website that offered a yoga class for special needs children! WOW I was thrilled! Once a week and only 45.00 per month. I called right away and… much to my disappointment the program was no longer being offered. I was so deflated. I mean, Yoga could help his balance and motor skills, his anxiety, his muscle tone, his everything!
I had called a local business who offered a social skills group for special needs children. They wanted me to “drop my son off” for two hours a week for a reasonable fee. However due to “HIPPAA” I was not going to be allowed to observe this group, ever. There would be no data taken on his goals or progress unless I payed triple the fee. My husband looked at me and said, “That’s not going to happen.” I nodded. It sounded even more ludicrous when I verbalized it.
I was sitting here, stuck. I don’t want a highly clinical atmosphere for him to make “friends”. That doesn’t even seem natural to me. I want an opportunity for him to recognize faces, and reach out on his own accord to say hello. I want to tell him that if he chooses to try and make a friend he might be so inclined to invite someone for tea after yoga class!
I want my son to have yoga. And guess what? I want all of our special needs children to have yoga. I want their parents or caregivers to be welcomed to observe and participate in something that can be a gathering of social opportunity and show that they do have a place in the community that is not about being clinically forced to engage strangers when they are not comfortable to do so. I want our children to know how to breathe through their frustrations and their parents to know how to assist them in that. I want to invite those interested to stay for tea after class if they should so desire and talk about how today went, or other positive discussions.
I want them to know if their child makes an involuntary noise they will not phase us. We will accept them, any of their involuntary noises, and explore if that noise is one coming from joy, pain, anxiety, or something else so we can soothe them into a comforting place of acceptance and belonging. The Needs of These is why I am here. My child is not to be cast aside. There will be something for him, and all of his future friends. Our special needs children and parents all around us. I want them in the same room, breathing.
My little boy loves the movie Kung Fu Panda. As some of you may know Autism can cause children to mimic screenplay, cartoons, ect. as a way of learning or adapting language and situations to the real world. My child can memorize and re-enact 30 minute dialogue of a morning cartoon if he watches it many times. Well on the Kung Fu Panda movie (very very meaningful) he has constantly for over 2 years re-enacted the scene for inner peace. I believe it is tai chi he is doing. My son to this day can “Show me inner peace” which is movement accompanied by a song he hums so sweetly and gently. We have always practiced breathing through frustrations. I have even taught him tree pose, and we do it together because he loves to be a tree!
I never though I could teach yoga. Then I found a local and highly rated by the yoga alliance school. Well, wouldnt you believe there was a teacher who had the exact body type as me pictured right there as one of the very highly trained teachers of the program. She teaches yin yoga, hip openers, beginner yoga, and some others. I was very impressed, and very sure in that moment that this was a sign I was finally figuring out where everything would fix itself. I found a body role model. Someone who would understand my questions about poses and insecurity.
Now I can do something for all of my family. Even my husband would love to begin to learn yoga with me for all of his ailments. What a very large post, and if you stayed with me; I thank you. I know time is precious and I hope you got anything at all from my story. I am hoping to find some guidance on what type of gentle yoga practice I should begin? Is there a video anyone can recommend or a book?
I am eager to learn the right things to give as much as I can back to my community and my family, as well as find more balance within.