Hello to all, my name is Jo, I am a new “poster” here but have been enjoying reading and learning from this forum for a long time.
I am struggling with anxiety and stressed-mind since a very young age. As far as I can remember, I had nervous tics at the age of 6, I have always been shy and introverted and ALWAYS lived a different world in my head, trying to be someone else (normal) on the outside. My dreams always filled my imagination, preventing me from living my life normally or being able to learn and work at later stages of my life. I suffer from very strong ADD today, and it has become so intense that I can barely enjoy a movie without living an entire different movie in my head !
I parcticed Yoga to help with a scoliosis and very stiff body, at that time I never thought mind-body or pyschosomatic could be a cause of my stiff body, but now it has become clearer. I followed a Yogic lifestyle for few years, doing all the routines with strict discipline, asanas, pranayama, meditation, adjusted diet, I travelled to India and tried Ayurveda, all these things helped in a certain measure, especisally with the body tensions as long as I was practicing regularly, but never my mind has stopped its overly-intense-thought processing, dwelling on past thought, future worries, life questions, envying people around me who succeed and are able to move on, I read all the “feel-good” books about living in the present, living in total hapiness, I am a converted Buddhist, I had the huge chance to meet and talk with great masters, religious figures and practicioners from all currents of thoughts, I tried to learn from them, apply what they had taught me, but my mind always fought against it, I never had a peaceful meditative practice once in the 7 years I have been in touch with these practices.
A healer I met once in Asia told me I hated myself, he observed me and said I had a self-hating problem, and considered I should go to meditate in a buddhist temple there. I would love to but it is not easy for me, I am working and with my back and stiff body, living in rough conditions for few days, sleeping on hard floor and sitting for too long is unbearable.
But I aknowledged what he has said to me and tried to fight it, I think I am at peace with myself now, but still, something is consuming me and doesn’t let me be at peace with my practice, it hurts me sometimes, negative thinking while practicing some stretches or asanas can create terrific pain and muscle spams that last for days and don’t let me practice regularly…
Anyway, I wrote a long post, I will be grateful if some you took the time to read it all and maybe bring some answers, as it has become so heavy for me to carry alone lately.
Namaste
