Oh Perselus, I want to hug you. I really do understand what you feel, I went through a long period (MANY years) of social withdrawal, intense depression, and anxiety. I couldn’t walk into a Target (or the worse yet a Walmart where there are more bodies shoved together) without my breathing getting out of wack. I would shake and shiver and was afraid to make eye contact with anyone. I would stay away from friends and family and cry and fret all of the time. The things I worried or felt stress over had no connection to the actual anxiety I felt in my body. It was as if my anxiety sought out small issues (a 2-lb weight gain–I’m serious about this one, a new pimple, a rejection letter from a literary magazine, a missed appointment) to make them into bigger issues.
There were times when I would be sleeping or driving that I would feel that tingling sensation in my arm and my nose–the onset (for me) of a full blown panic attack. Driving, I could call a friend and have them talk me down (I’d have them tell me mundane things in calm tones–so no bad news!), but who can you call at 2 a.m. when you wake up with the crushing weight of anxiety literally on your chest?
It was not an overnight reformation for me, but asana (and as of late I have been making efforts toward sitting meditation) has helped me through my anxiety. I still occasionally get a flare-up (such as two nights ago) but I can’t recall the time before it. Asana has taught me how to BREATHE through these moments. I notice that my natural tendency is to take short sharp breaths or to even hold my breath day to day or during an attack. Now, I can sense when I am doing it and can bring my attention back to a healthier breathing pattern. Also, during an actual attack I am able to say to myself, “This is just a panic attack” and sit uncomfortably through it; whereas before, I would freak out about it and that only added nerves and adrenaline on top of the poor breathing and a crazed mind during the anxiety spells.
I wish you the best in your practicing–whichever form you choose. Stay with it, even if you drop it for a week because your schedule is insane. Don’t think you can’t come back to it. It takes a lot of practice to make things a norm in your everyday life, like: a child starting to brush his/her teeth everyday, or an adult waking up earlier than usual to get to the new job on time.
People who deal with anxiety, usually have sore muscles from awkward postures in sitting and walking. It’s like we try to pull our bodies into a small little ball so we can disappear or implode in ourselves. Asana will help with that. It gently forces, coaxes rather, your body to open itself up much like a flower blooms (pardon the hallmark expression). Again, stay with it. Listen to your body. You may one day be healed entirely or only partially, but one thing is certain–you will become stronger in approaching those shaky moments as a mere observer, and the anxiety’s crushing impact on your life will lessen.
