hello, im James and i think im here for a reason i just cant tell which direction im supposed to take
uhm, when i was very young i would see colors in my minds eye … it was normally a vibrant purple when i was going through sleep kind of just before i would become uncocious. i was plagued at an early age by a series of dreams which usually had a shadow chasing me, and would happen in my bed at the time every time and it was very realistic, i’d usually wake up staring at my night light which was a light red and then waves of anxiety would wash over me only to be harrased by some … creature?!
i was really good at ‘astral travel’ i belive, many times i would be floating out of my bed and flying high into the sky, the only way i knew how to go up was to breastroke up, and up and up (i’v only recently began to put peices together)
deja-vu became to much for me one day when i got so good at it, during high school that i got scared and a feeling of ‘i shoulnd’t be doing this’ hit home hard, since then i havn’t looked back at it
about that time school began to get very boring and i took up meditation, just on my spare time… reading about the esoteric side of things etc which fascinated and scared me. i meditated a little bit… trying to do it every night, by watchign the breath in and out i’d get to a stage where… my inner vision kind of went from being a purple haze to … opening up? which would come as calm and cleansing… i’d immediately feel a sense of something like being hugged, comfortable and safe. i’d stay in this state a few minutes then drift back to the color… which i would finish and goto sleep.
it was about that time i found an e-book on astral traveling, chakras and energy awareness by robert bruce which i kind of took seriously but never seriously. … i could, can feel energy now wherever i point my direction too its just like a vibration. thats how i leave it these days because after playing with such things i got very ill.
it was later told to me that i had learn’t to raise my life force and it had disrupted my Chakras, at the time i fully belived it because the sense of self had vanished completely, i remember in my most derealized self when i slept i’d go through waves of light… i remember one day all these symbols (like none i have ever witnessed) were pouring into my eyes (you know when you look at the sun with your eyelids closed, that was the backdrop only there were symbols like a river flowing… flooding through my head) so disorientated at this stage of life i didn’t really care or see it as anything… still kind of dont thats why im here to make sense of this all.
ontop of all that i came out with some strange feelings, this had all began when my lower back for around 3 days would pulse, i knew it wasn’t physical… it was so hot, and then so cold, feelings of energy would run up and down my spine intensly… all the way to my crown and then out. (i never did this with the wrong intetion and i realized it sounded similiar to kundalini, although i realize now i raised it prematurely which is a MASSIVE NO NO) i had contracted a physical fever for 1 week, after that… and was never the same after that… im getting back ground but its been about a year… almost, 1 year from june 25 i belive.
i spent ages getting it back together, seeing a psychiatrist who told me i had depersonalization, (i had a lack of time, a lack of care… and would feel out of place everywhere, aswahsed with anxiety it did seem logical) only until he suggested i meditated, which i did and thats when it got worse.
i had meditated for about a week, and again the energy was there, my back then as still now hurts a little bit it feels blocked, a few sparse ribs too just underr my shoulder blade feel … stuck? along with this came an immense pressure in my forehead, which i had every day, like a thumb pressing heavily into my head fizzing and gnawing… very uncomfortable (it still happens now)
on my darkest hour i woke up screaming in my sleep for some reason, (i had done this before, my mother realized i used to do it when i had those nightmares) although i had no control over myself i smashed my hand upon my bedside table and had broke everything which was there. from then i coulnd’t sleep for a few days in that same room i was just way to scared.
that led me to seeking a psychic/medium/white witch who did a reading for me stating … that i had a huge purple aura around me… and also a green once, during the reading she had hit upon chords very private and me being a questioner … was convinced about what she had said, i could go into detail but its not nesscecary. she said, all in all im going to be like her… a medium/ whatever… soon i was going to learn something which i was to follow for the rest of my life, i would be gong on many journeys … and i was just begining a new spiritual path… that just about encompasses it all but alot more detailed.
she had told me to go see a ‘energy worker’ and when i talked to him, he recognized my problem as premature kundalini, breaking apart the chakras which had inturn left me in a state of delusion. after reiki sessions, and my well being coming back to normal … (sort of) he sent me on my way, told me not to ever raise my ENERGY again because it had left me very ultra sensitive.
when i see my medium friend, she implores upon me dont tempt it… dont touch it… your only 20, and very young … it will happen with evolution, your brain will mature and then you’ll be ok, but for the mean time dont play around (she said openly, that she wouln’dt like to be in my position and had it very hard between the ages of 18 - 25 and would never ever trade anything to go back there because it is a massive amount of confusion)
sorry about the background info, but it was nesscary for my question.
what happend to me? … i can say now… that i think i want to study buddhism, their miraculously is a buddhist retreat, and centre close to where i live which teaches the philosophy, healing… and everything it emcompasses with spiritual leaders, this naturally feels like the righ thing for me to do. but im a little worried, although i know the energy side of things… this seems to be much more yoga related then buddhist… although the help from anyone would be greatly appreciated, i just need some help to get through this. i dont see myself as helpless being, but… i’v definalty changed from my experience, im not interested in drinking, partying… and things i should be at my age, but rather… i tend to be moving more towards, happiness and helping? material affairs no longer matter to me at all, although i feel a strong emphasis to learn as much as i possibly can… and i dont want to see any bullshit that goes with ‘spiritualism’… is this a calling?
i visited the buddhist centre today, i have read books on buddhism and… the energy since then has began to work up. my heart… feels like its yearning, is the best way to put it… it … cries? and for some reason i feel so happy with the concept of buddhism, my eyes sometimes begin to run… why?
during my difficult times, when i meditated i did hand pustures and said mantras, which i cant remember now but had never done before it just felt right at the time. teh hand postures usually had the thumb and index finger joint together palm upright… can you guys offer your wise insight, im very sorry for the story but i think it was nessicary.