I am not really an expert at meditation, I am really just a babe when it comes to sitting on the cushion. I have the monkey mind and the itches and uncomfortable muscle cramps when I sit. Sometimes I fall asleep, and sometimes my mind falls into daydreaming.
In the corner of my mind though I am being reminded of the things in my life I never finished. I remember getting excited about martial arts and going full bore for 2-3 years before stopping. I remember starting projects and spending a lot of energy on them before being distracted by something else. It took me awhile to finish school (I still have goals to go higher) because every time I embarked on a path I became interested in something else and changed majors. I would often spend hours and energy studying something new only to let it fall by the wayside. Whether it be a new activity, a new friend, or a new game/gadget/toy, I always put a lot of energy in it and then gave it up awhile later.
Since I have begun meditating, this issue has been cropping up in my mind and bothering me. I feel there is something in my mind holding me back from completing things. Maybe because they feel new and exciting I put my energy into it, but when the activity becomes more difficult to master or progress in, I stop. Perhaps it is this way because I am afraid of failure, afraid of nothing happening, or dare I say even afraid of success? Maybe I am afraid of the pain caused by the sacrifice of having to master something new. Instant gratification is a sickness and addiction in my life. I am unsure how to progress at this point. Maybe this is an issue I should spend some time on the cushion thinking about rather than just focusing on breath?
Thank you for reading my thoughts, and I would enjoy some much needed input as well!