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Yoga Discussion General Yoga
#1

Hey there, this thread will be wordy, but I don’t know where else to go and try to reslove some intense feelings that are eating me up inside. I’ve tried talking to family and friends, tried “letting it go”, and reassuring myself how rediculous I’m being… However, nothing eliminates the pain I feel in my heart. Well, I’m a father of three and have been with my wife for 22 years. We have a great relationship and I’m totally in love with her. But like any relationship, there are ups and downs. My wife is into fitness and trains people for a living, etc. so I’m used to this lifestyle. I’m not a crazy jealous man, because if I were I wouldn’t last with my wife in tight sexy clothes working in a gym setting for a living, etc. So to the real point… my wife does Yoga, which is not new. Being doing on and off for quite some time, and about a year ago went to a guy who held class in his house. Again, I knew of this and thought nothing of it. Well, she switched, and was going probably once a week to a new place. Looking back, this was during a “low” point in our relationship.(not communitcating or connecting as well) Flash forward maybe six months, and an incident with a guy from the gym totally sparked something inside of me. I mean I totally got jealous and had a wake up call! I began breaking down all my walls, and being myself again. That meant communicating like crazy, doing all the romantic things I love to do but held back on.

Anyway, this “spark” it an incredible flame inside me, and my level of deep love went off the charts. Next thing I know, our kisses are more passionate, and everything else in between! So just as I was repairing all of my insecurities and fears, one last demon had to be squashed… I asked her about Yoga and we had a great talk. She explained many things, but during this conversation, it was revealed of her instructor, who’s name was never brought up in the prior 6 months to a year. And also the story of touching (adjustments) and massaging of the face, neck and even feet. My heart dropped to my stomach, and I felt the most incredible pain I’d ever felt. Then when she told me of her friend who went (who hadn’t told her husband either) I couldn’t stop the negative thoughts where my mind was taking me. I researched like crazy and of course focused on all of the stories of student/teacher relationships, misplaced crushes, being vunerable due to a completely open heart, etc… I told myself I have nothing to worry about. I trust her. She’s loyal. She’s my best friend. I know adjustments and touching are normal, but I feel this was all kept quiet because she knew I might be uncomfortable. Well I am, and it hurts to know she would do anything that would cause me heartache, and I wish I was strong enough to handle this, but I can’t get past another man touching my wife, and only wish she could find a class with a female instructor.

I admit I’m insecure with this, and it is a weakness I can’t get over. I’m not looking to get flamed, but truly want some input on what to do. At first she was defensive, which made me more crazy. I have never asked her to anything for me in all these years, and I’ve ALWAYS supported everything she’s ever done… so is it wrong of me to maybe hope she’ll go to female led classes to protect my fragile heart? She was talking about checking out another class this week with a strong female instuctor, and hasn’t been to this other class in two weeks. Our relationship is the best its ever been, and I just want this feeling to go away!! HELP! Thanks to anyone who reads all of this, and I respect everyone’s opionion. Thanks for any advice!!!

#2

jordan,
You say your wife has not been to the class with this man in 2 weeks, and that she has taken steps to look into another class with a female instructor. Hon, it sounds to me like she is honoring your relationship and is honoring YOU.

I can understand both sides. She was defensive at first because for her, this class has been completely platonic with nothing behind the touching other than healing.
When my husband brought up that he was uncomfortable with me sharing private emails with a gentleman from a spiritual discussion forum, I was defensive because it was completely innocent - but it made him uncomfortable, and he was able to bring me around to his way of seeing it. He had to work at making me see it, and I’m sure that made him crazy, too. I stopped the communication. But he had to convince me first, because I could not convince him that it was innocent, and he was right. Out of love for him and respect for our love and our relationship, I stopped.

Trust her. She is taking steps because you are uncomfortable, and she is showing you that she does love you and respects your love and your relationship.
You might let her know that. That you really do trust her, and you really appreciate that she is considering how you feel. That it means a lot to you.

#3

Thanks so much! That’s a great response. The two weeks is actually her sister’s suggestion. With the idea being that “give it some time”…and he’ll come around. So I think the plan was to “educate” me more on the subject, and let it all sink in, and she would be able to return to this class. That’s why I still have anxiety over this. Some sleepless nights… Thinking about it on the drive into work… and at work I’ll get these sharp dropping sensations and think about it. I have to let go first of the “past”… that hopefully she didn’t find “anything” during our low time with this guy. I can’t help but think she is bonded because it helped her through a tough time… And then let go of the visual of him touching her. It kills me. I’m a very sensitive, emotional, passionate guy, and I want any touching, massage, or gentle voice support coming from ME! I love giving my wife massages, and touching her and being romantic, so maybe I’m just a “regular” guy when it comes to another guy having ANYTHING to do with that! This is the same part of what has been me all these years and made her fell safe, protected and secure. If I feel a potential threat, I react. And no matter how much I trust her, which I DO!! does not prevent another mans hands touching her, or his voice comforting her… That’s MY job! Ahhhhhhhh!! I just love her so much and want her all to myself! End of rant. Thanks so much for your response!!! I’m working on it!

#4

One of the challenges here Jordan is providing feedback to a person who does not have a foundation of yoga in their living. What I try to do with students is provide a yoga perspective rather than providing opinion or advice. But I’ll give you what I have and perhaps something within it may be helpful - to you or others.

  1. A complete/robust/appropriate Yoga practice (far more than just a physical practice of postures) churns up patterns and latent emotions for us to examine and process. That may be represented by your self-proclaimed feelings of insecurity and/or your partner’s understanding of energetic division in relationship. But these are guesses based on only one side of your story and it really is for the two of you to unearth. While you contend that you cannot change this ("…a weakness I cannot get over") such a thing will ultimate stifle rather than enhance growth in relationship and cannot possibly be in your best interest as an evolving human being.

  2. The nature of relationship in Yoga is not identical to the nature of relationship in society. In society it is common to look for someone who completes you or fills a void in you as a person. In yoga it is only two whole people that come together, not two incomplete people. In other words our fulfillment is not extrinsically referential. It is intrinsically referential. So while there may certainly be feelings when a relationship changes it does not ruin our existence but is simply another set of experiences on the path. Ergo it is not your partner’s responsibility to heal you, fix your stuff, make you better, or be the center of your existence. That is actually your job and one must decide if one is ready to assume the responsibility (full) for their living. When embraced you are thus able to bring more of yourself to relationship and be truly available without being needy or codependent.

  3. I make no assumptions about the relationship between any teacher and student until I know something of their integrity as a teacher. So I would not presume anything at all about the touching you mention. It may be this and it may be that. Neither has anything to do with your feelings unless you are sensing something beyond your ego - thus far what you have shared is only ego - ownership, possession, greed, jealousy.

There are many people with what I will call “unclean” energy. There may be an appearance of spirituality but that is merely a whitewash and not their latent, organic, or authentic state. Some use their position to fulfill their desires. Some do not do the very work Yoga warrants but freely peddle it to students (integrity is when you do as you teach and teach as you do). In society we are constantly being pulled away from the focus of our path. And it does happen that third parties energetically interfere. And most of those aren’t even aware of it. I’ve had this experience and told my previous GF there was an energetic interest, which she was oblivious to and denied - though later the chap in question asked her out and expressed his true intentions.

When the relationship is stable and nurtured, and there is a level of trust built over time, then the relationship cannot be diluted simply by another person’s touch - though that touch can feel “good”. But it is also imperative to not make assumptions about the events themselves AND have your partner look at the nature of the relationship with her teacher and use the awareness she’s cultivated in her practice to determine if this is best for her and thus best for her relationship(s). What is important when we have heart love for our partner is that they are served in their living. It does not matter who is doing the serving as that is only about our love for our needs, not our love for them.

#5

Thank you so much! That is great insight, and yes, very helpful. Like I said, I know I’m being foolish, and I truly believe timing was a huge factor in this situation. Since my last post, my wife and I had an amazing weekend, and are loving this new found us!! And then late yesterday afternoon, we had a talk aobut this very subject… it was calm and sincere, but got uncomfortable at times… but was definitley GOOD. As we ran errands, etc., I further processed everything and came to my conclusion! This could either eat me up inside forever, and will ultimately be the end of something so beautiful…OR I can drop my final wall of fear (losing what we have, and especially where we’ve come in recent months) I told myself I need to take that risk…that fear of losing her, and let it go… It’s out of my control. She loves me. I trust her. She told me everything that afternoon I could ever want to hear, and I believe her! So I told her I was done, and that I was ready to take on my final fear head on! She was SOOOO happy! She will take her time getting back into this to ease my feelings, but to have the freedom to make those decisions without guilt or remorse is huge. It felt great, and we quite honestly, and some serious great sex that night!! (hope I can say that on here) :slight_smile: And I feel stonger already! It may still be hard at first, but I will keep nurturing and growing in our relationship and have faith that letting this go will further deepen our love for one another! She is my soul mate, and I wil always be here for her. Thank you so much again. I can’t tell you how good it felt to just get all of this out! Here’s to the new me! And I can’t wait to keep it going… Cheers