[quote=David;34116]Good stuff!
But how can we tell when someone is being passionate rather than aggressive? :)[/quote]
And this is an excellent question too! 
For me, being in a committed relationship with someone makes all the difference in this, and still there are misunderstandings when one or the both of us moves from discovery and into reaction. One thing that has really helped me see this in action, as it is so rarely modeled in the world around us, is my husband. There are times when he and I will be in process with each other, sometimes with very challenging topics for each of us in our own ways, and I will loose my footing in discovery and listening, and I will become overwhelmed by my feelings. He was one of the first people I was in relationship with who wasn’t [I]always[/I] provoked by my provocations: He didn’t rush to soothe me in an effort to (more honestly) soothe himself in response to my challenge. He didn’t become reactionary in the face of my misunderstanding, or pain, or confusion. He just let it all come up for me, without adding to it, and it was able to pass with an easiness I had never known before. In my life, there was so much “snowballing” or “secondary arrows” when I was had been in emotionally challenging situations with others, my family and friends, others in my world. He was supportive in the most supportive and truly compassionate way, and it made more available to me to practice with and gain skillfulness here too after I saw it modeled. It literally changed my mind, and it changed my life.
You and I have talked with each other about stabilizing our own selves too, as Patanjali’s sutras teach us. I think this helps to discern passion and aggression. There is the [I]sattvic rajas[/I] that allows us to direct and full of [I]right action[/I] in our lives. It is needed and appropriate…when it is needed and appropriate.
I have been a read-along member on this forum for about 6 years, an adding member for just under 5 years. Over these years, I have seen how challenging it has been to communicate in a way that I can see that the other person is understanding my intention, often over the years I have been completely baffled by responses that I have seen to the posts I have offered, or to other members and to their offerings too. So much comes back to the state of our own minds when we are reading and responding here, as FlexPenguin put so well in another thread here on the forum.
I realize that I am not answering your question exactly, but rather speaking to what I try to do in my own life and to my success and challenges in being able to know the subtleties between the two myself. As a clairsentient, I know that it is easier to know this when the other person is not wanting to stay guarded, that they are wanting to be known. This helps in knowing. Also, we may agree to take the person at their good word until more is known–this works well for me too, when staying in relationship with people whom I don’t know well or have much context for. Though context can be tricky too, and it can take you back to substantiating your theories about a person or behavior, and you stop being a good neutral observer.
One thing that I have seen be helpful when participating with groups as a student, and facilitating groups as a therapist, is to agree to some common guidelines for the group so that everyone who is involved can feel safe to both stay in relationship with the others, to leave the group to gather themselves, and safe to come back into the group or to stay removed for any length of time. Using the tools of Nonviolent Communication helps, though sometimes there is a feeling of contrived speech there, but it is solid tool to help each of us take personal responsibility and to navigate situations and people which are emotionally challenging, but that you are committed to staying in practice with. Regularly, there is a no cursing rule for most groups, though for college-aged groups that I have worked with, cursing is not a problem if you are speaking about your own situation, and it is not directed toward another. Physical touch is not allowed without asking the other person first, this is to protect people who may not to share touch and to allow for those who do want touch.
These are some tools that I have seen used to help a group of varied members discern between passion and aggression. People who are feeling passionate while in the group are asked to keep their agreements to the group, and acknowledge slips themselves. We note when a member has moved into aggressive behavior, or even intimation of others, by showing that the member has not kept to the agreed upon behaviors for the group. This helps take the subjective and give is some solid parameters for all of those involved. I have found that most people who are committed to practice know that they are easily pushed from passion to aggression–this is not such a welcome trait in most cultures and likely that person has been excluded at some time in their life because of this. That hurts, and I know of no person who has not experienced this at some age. My clients, and my friends who are committed to practice, myself included, realize in their own hearts how much they want/need to be in relationship with others, so we all agree to try to keep agreements of working with, and not acting on, our own impulses to yell, curse at, strike, abandon, etc. This means we TRY, and when we fail, we acknowledge and we TRY again, and when and if the other person is willing and able to be in relationship with us again, we get back to work.
I have seem some of this same good and important work here on the forums lately. I would love to see more, and like Gordon share in another thread, that we try to keep from entering into situations that we must later amend. I find it helpful to be very honest with those I trust in my life, I practice here first with those I trust and love the most, and then I take it out into the world when I have some confidence in feeling my own core vulnerabilities, which we all have, each and everyone one of us. In my own practice, I will often share with the other person that I am feeling provoked and I’ll ask for some time to let those feelings clear so that I get a better view; I will also preemptively ask the other person for some time and space so that I can considered what they are asking or proposing in a less stressful situation. I am a person who often needs time, so I ask for it, which gives me what I need and it also helps to show the other person that I am staying connected to their needs too, that I have not abandoned them in their own needs. This helps keep the passion from slipping into aggressively trying to force your needs met, again, trying to stay ahead of aggression with practice.
These practices have helped me and those I care for in knowing and working with both passion and aggression.
I just saw that FP added something to this thread too, and I love this. So simple and concise, and such a fantastic personal indicator. I admire concise!
Jai Sangha,
Nichole
