I have searched the forum and I was not able to find a question similar to mine. I hope these questions get to you alright.
So I have had rheumatoid arthritis for almost 10 years, have been practicing yoga for the past eight years and just recently (April) became certified as a yoga instructor. Throughout my years with the disease I have gone in and out of flares, and subsequently have had to adapt my yoga practice to suit my needs or had the help of teachers (you and Arden Pierce, specifically). I was turned onto the Joint Freeing Series because it was so beneficial to my own personal health condition and now have begun to teach mostly the JFS (with some other poses added).
My health for the past two months has been worse than just about any limitations I had experienced. Tremendous hip pain, knee pain (inability to walk down stairs), wrist flexion diminished, along with the diagnosis of a torn rotator cuff and significant erosion of the humeral head (both left shoulder).
From this background info, I have two very different questions:
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How do I repsect my own pain levels while still being a competent teacher? I went in to teach one day and was in such pain that I truly felt that I should not have been there. Simply raising my arms over my head was painful. This was only my fourth time teaching a large group class at the YMCA and it felt like the worst class I had ever taught. During svasana I prayed that my students forgave me for my lacking class and that I could also forgive myself. My confidence was also injured a bit by negative feedback by one of the students after that class. She wanted something more vigorous and I was not able to give that. How can I meet my students needs while I am in pain? Do I need to figure out how much pain is too much pain to teach or can I keep teaching but modify?
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After I got the diagnosis of my shoulder I was told I would need a shoulder replacement, eventually. About a month later I got x-rays of my knees because I became frightened that all of my painful joints were deteriorating just like my shoulder. The x-rays did show signs of erosion in my knees and the doctor said ‘you’re just buying time’. To me this meant that eventually I would be looking at knee replacements as well. Since visually seeing the MRI of my shoulder and the x-ray of my knees, I cannot get the visual image of my joints deteriorating out of my head. In my past, I would direct my energy toward visualizing the body healing and repairing itself. Now I cannot help but see erosion. My hope has been severly compromised as well. I try not to think about the future much because it is too hard not to think negatively. So I am staying present but with little positive thinking and/or hope. I think that this energy may be hurting my physical state as well. Any suggestions for prayer, meditation or asking for guidance.
Thank you for all of your help.
Also, I would like to attend your workshop at Integral Yoga in NYC in September. Is the whole weekend focused on arthritis or just certain portions? Which classes (Sat. or Sunday, a.m. or p.m. or both) would you suggest for my concerns?
With love,
Amanda feinstein
omandala@hotmail.com