Q - Well I have FINALLY started composing this email in writing rather than only in my head. (It then took me more weeks to finish and send it!) It is, I
know, very much overdue. The more overdue the more difficulty I have in
doing it!. Fundamentally because I have been depressed and ill on and off,
and had absolutely no desire, motivation, will to do anything.
A - Nonetheless you are writing and that is a good sign of progress.
Q - I have done nothing towards studying or practising for our course, nor am I
teaching Yoga or practising it. I’ve even stopped doing my gluteus medius
strengthening exercises!. But I did attend 2 of my Yoga teachers monthly
sessions - the pranayama part only; maybe that counts for some effort.
A - So you are experiencing the energy called tamas. It arises for all serious yoginis. One must ride it out and realize that you are a yogin? and will persevere in spite of such temporary set backs. Q - I feel I am sabotaging my chances of learning from your course, probably a
repeating pattern in my life. Because I haven’t practised and more
importantly taught Yoga for so long I feel afraid of the responsibility and
don’t believe in my ability. The silly point is that I can do it; when I am
low I no longer believe I can and convince myself that I don’t want to. If
you have any non-physical suggestions for bringing back some motivation I
would be grateful.
A - Here is something I read this morning from Ramana Maharshi newsletter which is sent free to all who wish it -
"Sri Bhagavan once said that even to think of God, we must have the Grace of God. There is no real quest without Grace. When we think of Him, when we meditate on Him, we are not doing anything of our own accord. He makes us think of Him and meditate on Him. We can’t take credit for this ourselves. We are not doing these activities, we are made to do these. The moment we are fully conscious of this, we shall be utterly humble. Whatever happens during meditation, ha[pens because He makes it happen the way it happens. So there is no cause for joy or sorrow.
Whenever we feel depressed at not progressing in our sadhana despite our efforts, we must remind ourselves that we are not doing any sadhana of our own accord but that He is making us do it out of his Grace. It is up to Him to do what He wills with our sadhana. We cannot choose Him, only He can choose us. The Kathopanishad 1.2.23 says “This Atman cannot be attained by the study of Vedas or by intelligence, nor by much listening. It is gained by him alone whom it chooses. To him this Atman reveals its true nature”. We cannot choose to do or to avoid sadhana. When chosen, we must be grateful and humble and not complain about the results. The Maharshi, “Only He can make us think of Him” by K. Subrahmanian May/June 2007, page 3 - Arunachala Ashrama
Q - After all that negative, you might be amused to hear that my hamster had a
wonderful day of freedom in January. He usually runs free in the kitchen
each day and discovered how to use the pots and pans in a cupboard to get
onto the pipe leading into the house structure and so behind and under the
cupboard!. I had to get my ‘fix-it’ man to come in the evening and take off
the plinth at the front of the cupboard to let him out, rather dusty. Ever
since then he only wants to get back there - very single minded.
M - Excellent hamster who seeks only liberation just as you do.