Hello Everyone. This is my first post.
Growing up like most people in America, i was exposed to and influenced by popular culture in various forms. For a young mind, this can easily have an insidious effect on the psyche, as was the case for me. Myself, i had reached full adult height by the age of 16, at five foot eight inches, and at the time while in high school, i felt flawed, unattractive, unloveable, etc. etc. On occasion, friends would tease me about how i would never be able to find a girlfriend due this perceived “flaw”.
It was around this time that i decided to start wearing lifts in my shoes, to boost my height a few inches, but more importantly, to boost my self esteem and chances of finding a girlfriend. And of course, it worked quite well at the time. My only issue was that walking was slightly more awkward and uncomfortable. At this time i had next to no awareness of the more subtle aspects of my body.
I kept wearing the things throughout high school, summer jobs, and regular daily life, although as time progressed i felt more and more uncomfortable in them. By the time i was in university, i felt psychologically trapped. Visually, i looked pretty good, but my self esteem relied on the lifts so much that even the physical and physiological distress i increasingly felt was not enough to become more pragmatic. Anyway, i was in the world and had friends and acquaintances; how would they react if their friend randomly became 2 or 3 inches shorter overnight? It was a ridiculous situation.
After my second year, i returned home to my parents place overwhelmed by anxiety and depression, which i didn’t even really associate with my footwear situation, since i hadn’t become aware of the mind body connection. I never went back to school (as of yet) and spent the next two years foundering around, increasingly depressed, anxious, and reclusive. The depression became a real serious issue, and i neglected my diet and hygiene, kept odd hours, drank lots of coffee, smoked a lot of cannabis, and lost about 30 pounds of muscle.
It was during this dark period between 2011 and 2012 that i started to become curious about Yoga and Meditation, so started to frequent these forums.
2013 proved to be a year of rebounding for me. I quit using the ridiculous shoe lifts, quit all unhealthy habits, and made an effort to love and take care of myself by instilling in myself a more sound philosophy.
As of 2014 i’m very active and quite healthy. I do two yoga classes per week, and practice at home the rest of the time. I’ve also become interested in trail running, hiking, and strength training.
The reason i’ve decided to share this story is because even though i’m active and pain free, i have a strong feeling that i’ve messed up my lower extremities in some weird and subtle way due to the poor footwear that i’d used daily for around eight years. I’ve seen two physical therapists, and neither of them seemed to find anything out of the ordinary when conducting flexibility tests and whatnot (although i was too embarrassed to admit the story i’ve now told you). When i attend yoga class, it is indeed evident that i’m one of the more flexible students, although in daily life i still feel as though something is wrong in my lower extremities. This awareness causes me some degree of anxiety and depression still. With asana, anything that contorts the lower extremities feels healing, although the following day it feels as though i’ve arrived back at square one.
To try and explain what i’m noticing; my quads and hip flexors are far more developed and tight than my upper hamstrings and glutes which are the opposite; weak and loose. In fact although visually i have the appearance of glute development, sitting down on any hard surface feels as though i have little muscle there at all, and this quickly begins to hurt. Also, my lower hamstrings are adequately developed, although curiously higher up the thigh they become as weak as my glutes. The only way i can really activate the area in my experience so far is by holding setu bandhasana for extended periods of up to 15 minutes which feels like heaven.
While standing on one leg and dropping the opposite hip down, in the leg that i’m standing on i’m able to isolate a muscle in the inner thigh that i otherwise never feel activate.
Walking down stairs feels as though my ankles are not adequacy forward flexible, despite passing that particular mobility test in physio, and sometimes i have to walk down stairs slightly angled. Squatting feels unnatural and awkward too.
I think i’ve made slight improvements over the last year, but obviously i’m still having issues.
Right now i’m pretty confused. Two physiotherapists see nothing wrong, and i have more than average flexibility, yet something definitely seems to be out of order.
Well thank you for reading about this ridiculous and embarrassing part of my history. I’d be really interested and grateful to hear the opinion of those more knowledgeable about yoga and the body than myself. Perhaps the energy in my body fallen out of alignment on some subtle level. I don’t know.
After i finish work in september, i plan to travel to Nepal and India, getting deeper into yoga along the way.
Thank You
Namaste