hi,
I first posted about my situation here:
There’ve been a few new developments. Now I think what Nichole was
referring to as 4th kosha is what they call prajna. Last November my
teacher told me he doesn’t even want me to look at the photos any more,
and said I was addicted. I was angry about that for a while, because then
why did he do it? I was not looking at them merely for my own amusement.
So for awhile I wondered how I could be so wrong, but then I realized, you
know what, I wasn’t wrong, because of the whole situation that led to bringing
in guru one and 3/4. I wrote to both of them at the time, and if I had been
totally off base, they would have said to me: “No you are wrong, guru one and
3/4 is not for you, and get away from us you internet freak.” They would have
done that, according to any kind of common sense, because that is a serious
thing, not to be done lightly, or to be allowed merely due to someone’s misguided
fantasy. And they did not.
Leaving aside the trickster issues, I then talked to some zen buddhists about it,
because those people are used to teachers who are not always totally nice. So
they really helped me, and the advice I got is not easy, is not easy to change,
but I hope it’s the last duck I have to put in a row.
They said to me: “the real addiction is the way you condition your mind by your
reaction to what your teacher says. Ignore that, and just start observing your thoughts.
” In other words, that would create detachment. It’s a gradual process even to be more
aware about it. I got pema chodron’s “getting unstuck” and that was pretty good too.
So I explored it a little, and got some books about basic mediation. This was what I
needed. It takes more than just learning mental concentration, being able to “not get
hooked” by all the negative stuff is also vital, and it all works together. I got a book
on meditation by pema chodron’s student/teacher, sakyong mipham. It is written
extremely simply yet clearly, something my teacher has a lot of trouble doing.
So I’m taking it easy with gradually absorbing this stuff, but I also started to think,
you know: my teacher wrote his commentary on the yoga sutras for his most
advanced students, not for beginners. So how does that do me any good? His
beginners book does not really teach how to meditate either. So I thought, maybe it
wasn’t quite his fault, maybe it’s vedanta. I checked out books on raja yoga or meditation
by sivananda, vivekananda, ramacharaka, and etc., and concluded that in comparison,
as authors they are all pedantic and unclear. great. I don;t doubt their enlightenment, but
that does not necessarily mean they can express themselves really clearly. So I did
order a yoga sutra commentary by satyananda saraswati, who I already know I like, and
will see how that goes., I dunno.
So then I started talking to the buddhists a little more, and ugh now I know why
the western modern art types like buddhism so much: it’s like trying to discuss
modern art as if there is actually some value to it. When I took art history, having
to read those really serious-level art critiques used to drive me crazy, and when I
told my teacher, she admitted to me that even when she was in PhD school, she
could not get that stuff, or barely. That to me meant that it does not really have
anything meaningful to say.
I think buddhism does have something meaningful to say, and I can learn from it
at a practical level, but for philosophy or logic I find some serious flaws, even at a
commonsense level.
So now I’m thinking that any time one can come across any kind of clear teaching
that is understandable, it’s a rare gift. Maybe it’s like software manuals: I have a
hard time with that too, and find that few people can write them without leaving
out steps. argh!
So now I guess I’m going to have to gradually give myself an education in vedanta
so I am not just relying on what my teacher wrote, because clearly that is not
enough. One hopes to be able to just do what is really necessary because there
are so many other things that need learning, and need doing, but I lost a lot of
time because of what I didn’t know. (and because I didn’t have guru one and 3/4
until 2007).
I will continue with my practical-level buddhist books on meditation, and probably
get more by saraswati, and if I get to my teacher’s more advanced techniques when
or if the time comes, and find I am struggling with them just as much due to lack of
information, I don’t know what I can do…I guess I will just have to be educated and
be prepared to look around.
It’s really good that these days it’s so much easier to get information on different
methods and philosophies, that is for sure. I guess my teacher tried to put me onto
autogenic training because teachers might feel going to a completely different tradition
might be threatening or something, but geez…for giving the beginners a good
grounding, it’sbetter. I just don’t agree with where they believe they are going with it.
I guess I just have to look at it like: everybody loses time in life due to lack of direction
or information, and it’s just good that this information is more available than it used to be.