After getting back into meditation and worship only recently (after many years), it didn’t take all that long for me to ‘pick up where I left off’.
It was like ‘yeah, of course I remember what went on before ‘life’ got in the way and it was a totally incredible, amazing journey…how could I [I]ever[/I] forget something like that’?
After all, there’s a difference between being ‘ignorant’ and being ‘ignorant of your own ignorance’ amirite?
I knew that all I needed to do was just ask the Divine for help…but that wasn’t all, I needed to ask with everything I was…it was a ‘wholistic’ kind of thing here, admitting one’s own imperfections before the One who just goes ‘yeah, yeah…come back when you have something new and different to show me, I’m bored now’.
Thus, I started re-learning the Shiv Mahimna Stotra, Namakam/Chamakam, Rudram, Lingashtakam, Shivashtakam and many more I haven’t recited in quite a few years. Apart from making a few small mistakes (which I corrected), I was like ‘wow, I still remember all this stuff…that’s pretty good’ and I started chanting them all again.
I even learned a new one I didn’t already know:
The first time I heard this, I felt the ‘earth move’ myself. It affected me very profoundly and I wondered why.
I discovered that somehow, I was tapping into my natal astrological chart through Shani Grah (retrograde in my Birth Chart) and that Kal Bhairav just happened to reside as ‘planetary deity’ there. I installed His Yantra on my altar.
That started my spiritual quest again in earnest, but there was still one question I had that wasn’t answered…why [I]now[/I]?
I mean, yes, I should have come back to you earlier, Lord…but why [I]now[/I]? and don’t give me any of your ‘why NOT nows?’
Also, I asked Him that now He has opened my Heart Chakra fully, what the heck does he want me to do with all this? Why show me this and not give me a ‘plan’?
I simply couldn’t just be happy knowing and feeling His love and peace reciprocating my own, I wanted to know why [I]I[/I] had changed, I guess and it really started to bug me and I couldn’t just let it go, like a dog with a bone.
In the end, It felt like I was the butt of some kind of huge joke that only I understood, so I went ‘Fine, be like that. Just hand me that script when it’s my turn to perform and I’ll do it ad-lib’. Then I went and took a shower.
After my shower, the telephone rang. It was my daughter I had not seen or heard from in 2 years (she moved interstate to live with her partner, get a job she liked and fully exercise her ‘right to independence’ without needing a mother-figure in her life). I have tried many times to talk, but to no avail…but back then, I was also ‘doing it wrong’.
Well, within the past few days, she broke up irreconcilably with her partner, got fired from her job, got evicted from her flat and was facing the prospect of spending Christmas at the Soup Kitchen.
My heart broke in [I]many[/I] ways. I felt bad for her but at the same time, I just got handed my ‘script’ didn’t I?
I have so much love to give, she should be getting some of this too and first before anything else…she is my flesh, my blood. She needed me and I needed her and Lord Shiva also knew that before I did and acted accordingly.
This time, I am not going to mess up in [I]either[/I] of those great relationships I shall be forging.
Aum Namah Shivaya.