A close family friend was seriously injured in an automobile accident and finally succumbed. She was a wonderful 20 yr old with her whole life in front of her. I am new to yoga, and I have found it helpful for dealing with the everyday trials and tribulations we all face. I was hoping that my yoga practice would somehow help me come to grips with this tragedy, but honestly it is not helping. I cannot clear my mind of the the enormity of this tragedy. Is there a specific yoga technique that I can use to cope with the untimely death of a young preson?
Equinox,
You have my deepest sympathy. I know the kinds of emotions and questions you are going through. I have experienced the loss of two of my young nephews at different times of my life.
Unfortunately, I do not have a specific yoga technique that makes me feel better. All I can say is to keep in your routines, including yoga, and hopefully in time you will come to accept the cycles of life.
I do not see death as an end, but a transition. Although your friend will be deeply missed, I can tell by your post that she will not be forgotten and she made a positive impact upon those she encountered. I guess what I’m saying is that her life was not wasted and her death is not the end.
It is very difficult for me to respond to your post because nothing I write seems to capture what I wish to say. My best wishes and prayers go out to you and your young friend.
Kind regards,
Michael
Indeed it is a tragedy for a soul to die that soon.
But her existence is not ended. She just left the physical body. She left the vital body, too … but her soul (astral body) is spread around the whole cosmos.
Do not let your grief overwhelm you, because that weakens her in her present task, what is to to have cosmic expereinces. You will have to learn to let her go.
But you can keep a link with her. Think not of your loss, but the love you feel for her. That love, is still alive. That helps her. Remember her for the good things she has done.
She can’t understand our language anymore, but she is helped by the warmth of emotions we feel for her. Remember her fondly. I know, it is not easy, but this is what griefing is … a challenging expereince, where we desperatly seek understanding, so we can accept what happened.
Do what I said, listen at the times when you are just about to wake up, or before sleep. Not with your mind, but listen with your heart. What you feel than, will be heard, and maybe you will expereince some relief, hope, and peace.
I want to be completely honest about what I am thinking about as I try to use my limited understanding of yoga philosophy in dealing with this loss. At yoga practice, when my teacher guides me to free my mind of all thoughts and be present in my breath, I simply can’t do it. As we get into simple asanas, instead of rejoicing in the miracle of the movement or posture I feel sad for my friend’s broken body. In pranayama, I can’t come to terms with the image of my friend breathing with the assistance of a ventilator. I think these feelings will subside with the passage of time and my yoga practice will be an aide. I wish I knew more about meditation, because I think that would help also.
I’ve been able to deal with tragedy in the past by using the Catholic tradition in which I was raised. That tradition taught me that God’s plan for us was a mystery and that His way of looking at life was different than ours. It taught me that suffering was an inevitable part of our human condition and that God understands this through the death of his Son on the cross. We believe that heaven is a better place in the context of my religion. Instead of feeling sad for our loss we should be happy for the gift of her life and know that she is in a better place with Our God in Heaven. We are also hopeful to one day be with our decease loved ones again. This Catholic tradition,as I understand it, comforts me at times like this. I wish I knew more about the response to pain, suffering and loss in the philosophy of yoga. I am aware that this is a deficency in me and not in yoga. How do yogis rationalize or explain senseless tragedies?
Dear Equinox,
First off my deepest sympathies with your loss.
Second, I am going to be blunt here, but no amount of yoga is going to help you to get over this loss, what you need is professional help of a psychologist or trauma councellor to assist you throught this period. Please speak to a professional who can really help you.
Hello my friend from New York.
As you’ve now raised your question in a religious context I’ll need a bit of time to think about an appropriate response. That will happen later this evening. Today is already full.
In the meantime, if you are checking in here frequently I wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you.
Gordon
I don’t wish to turn this into a debate about religion. I struggle greatly and I will always search for answers to life’s mysteries. The words of support from this group has been such a comfort and I am very grateful for your kind words. You are gentle people. My feeling is that I will get better with time. I am sad, but still functional. I will pray and meditate and I believe I will achieve a level of understanding or acceptance. Catholicism and yoga are tools that I will use to get to some point. It is personal and I would not presume this would work for everybody.
equinox – my heart goes out to you, as does my confidence that you will find your friend’s joy speaking to you when you need it.
Sorrow is one of the many colors that makes the masterpiece of human life, and good can come from it – even without diminishing the hurt.
How long has it been since the accident?
[quote=Techne;16767]equinox – my heart goes out to you, as does my confidence that you will find your friend’s joy speaking to you when you need it.
Sorrow is one of the many colors that makes the masterpiece of human life, and good can come from it – even without diminishing the hurt.
How long has it been since the accident?[/quote]
The accident was about 10 days ago. She fought for awhile but succumbed to complications on Sunday.
My intent is merely to illuminate a yoga context based on my practice, my teaching, my understanding. By no means is this an “only way” or a “the way” or even a “best way”. It is simply a way aligning with the classical yoga texts.
You ask about yoga helping to deal or cope. Some yoga helps some things for some people.
A “yoga” practice that only teaches the student to contract and release muscle fibers, to breathe while doing so, and to repeat some short sanskrit phrases (without understanding, knowledge, or reverence) would likely not help to deeply reconcile the passing of the soul from the physical body. Of course it would help with some biochemical functions and may provide relaxation.
On the other hand, a practice that imparts to students yama, niyama and kleshas allows the student a practical framework for just such understanding. A practice that directs students to connect with their heart to realize their own purpose, a practice that subsequently encourages the pursuit after said discovery, and one that acknowledges yoga is a vast toolbox for growing the human consciousness - that yoga may help immensely in times of deep crisis.
We are all impermanent and yet we act as though we are quite the opposite. Yoga teaches us to appreciate the time we have, make the best use of it, relish it and find the joy in all that we can - so that we may one day leave the body without regret. That day can be any day at all.
It can be perplexing when someone young passes. But it is possible their life contract had been fulfilled and it was time for that particular soul to go on to what’s next.
The body is merely a suit - and one we pay far too much attention to, when it is the soul that is begging to be recognized.
equinox – oh, so recent! What you are going through is healthy and normal; if you could forget your emotional traumas so quickly you’d be broken. Yes, it hurts. But it’s your love for this person finding a new way to be. Time is required.
Have you looked at the ‘stages of grief’? It might give you some perspective and help you see that it will feel better eventually.
I was asked to eulogize my friend and preparing was an emotional drain. I found that my breath practice was a big help.
Hi equinox,
My deepest sympathies for your loss.
And as you have asked for a specific Yoga Technique to overcome these thoughts, there’s no specific Yoga technique to erase specific thoughts from mind. The normal breathing practice would help you a lot to keep yourself stress free.
The memorial service was amazing. A HUGE number of people turned out which was a comfort to the family. When I was writing the eulogy, the words just flowed onto the page. I usually agonize over things like this with numerous re-writes; but this was different. However, when I practiced, I couldn’t get through it without breaking down. Frankly, I had real doubts that I could do it. Throughout the day of the service, I felt a palpable serenity come over me. It intensified as I practiced my pranayama. I asked my deceased friend for help and I sincerely believe she was with me. The room was packed, but instead of feeling intimidated, I almost felt a sense of joy to be able to share something that might help someone with their grief. When I was done, I swore I heard my friend say,“Thank You”, in the way she always would. Then I cried.
Sorry to hear your great loss, equinox.I understand your pain even though i probably cannot feel it much until my wanders somewhere else,say…
For what it’s worth i will say this-
Death can be a powerful reminder of one’s own mortality, as well as the impermanence of life and change in general.
Once the initial shock and the greiving process is over( could be anything from 2 years, in one experience of my own, to much much longer) this awareness can be very empowering and cause you to find much joy and reason to celebrate your life right now in the present, whnever you recall your firends death sometime in the future… We can be here one moment but then not the next.
This may sound somewhat trite to someone who has lost a young friend in tragic circumstances so recently but maybe not.
I had a friend who hung himself after living in my flat for 6 months( i wonder why?) but when i think i about it i have found it has taught me to appreciate what i have, be grateful and liberating.
and i can sense in your recent post that you realise this girl has’nt reallly gone anywhere (to heaven or whatever) unless on a crude physical level she i still here in some sense… you just can’t see her or socialise or whatever. you can acknwledge her existence remotely.
I think pranayama and meditation might be able to help here, though i would’nt expect, promise it to resolve the emotional turmoil just created straight away(although alot of things seem possible with yoga).as i say with a recent friend itook about 2 years then i was no longer annoyed about it,say and the acceptance bit done and dusted.it should broaden you and i suppose it’s the turmoil/confusion created that does that. the attachement to someone else perhaps then taken away.
within a yogic framework, although i think now too soon after this tragedy is perhaps inapporiate to think in those terms, i.e on an abstract philosphical level when it is emmotion you feel ,the kleshas, (after some reasearch into what they indeed are), do look somehwat relevant. at this stage i would’nt bog yourself down or add confusion with the luxury of armchair philosophisizing immediately after this tragic event.
as i say she has’nt really gone anywhere and you indicate that feeling too.
i think in tibetan budhism they say one should’nt grieve too mcuh as it can weaken the passage of the soul of the deceased. i think they suggest that the person who has gone can see you upset and this could disturb them more.over what they have left behind,i.e the obvious effect it has had on loved ones, friends and family.they say something alonog those lines that the deceased are still ever-present with you till they perhaps are ready to move on… (The inbetween stage or their concept of bardot comes to mind, if one is so inclined to entertain any of that stuff)
just give it time- ike i say itmight take 2 years or much longer.but with my won experience( and i had only known this guy(38yrs) 6 months but got to know him quite well) there was a clear expiry date in regard to the grieving proces,period if you want to call it that.
What a wonderful, beautiful, human experience! That you share it with us is quite a gift.
What a wise thing to do, asking your friend for help.
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[QUOTE=equinox;16747]A close family friend was seriously injured in an automobile accident and finally succumbed. She was a wonderful 20 yr old with her whole life in front of her. I am new to yoga, and I have found it helpful for dealing with the everyday trials and tribulations we all face. I was hoping that my yoga practice would somehow help me come to grips with this tragedy, but honestly it is not helping. I cannot clear my mind of the the enormity of this tragedy. Is there a specific yoga technique that I can use to cope with the untimely death of a young preson?[/QUOTE]
What else can you do but LOOK at it and look at it and look at it until it goes away?And when it comes back, look again.Etc.
I searched these Forums awhile back looking for how I could use my yoga practice to deal with deep grief. Perhaps it was my deep grief that did not allow me to find these postings at that time. On June 7, 2008, my 9-week old granddaughter died of SIDS - God, I cannot believe it has been almost 2 years, but the grieving continues. As does my constant terror for the state of my daughter’s emotional health as she deals with the guilt and the loss. I can say that in the throes of the event, no amount of yoga eased the pain. The only practice I could utilize was pranayama. There was no choice but to be present and in the “Now” to get through the funeral and helping my daughter. This far out from her death, it still seems as if she has just been born and then as if her death were just a moment ago. And again, I just go back to the breath, returning and returning. Her death has broken me open to many of the deeper spiritual truths of Yoga which has in turn changed my practice substantially from a mostly physical practice to a practice that focuses much more on meditation, chanting and pranayama. So, did my Yoga practice help me - or I should say - is it helping me - deal with deep grief. Yes, but it required a change in perspective as to what a yoga practice truly is - for me.