“Again I say, I am just a small person”
Drop this attachment to being a personality, whether small or otherwise. To think of yourself as a “small” person is just as egoistic as it’s opposite - in both cases one has remained clinging to a self-image.
"I still need a lot of “borrowed knowledge”.
To use such borrowed knowledge as an instrument is one thing, but the moment you become entangled in it - it becomes something dogmatic, you cannot see anything beyond it. And there may be many things in your borrowed knowledge which have no roots in reality, but you have already accepted them without question. Something like an Atman (self) - how do you know that there is such a thing to be found anywhere in your being ? You have accepted it simply because you have heard others talking about it, and it gives you comfort and security to believe that there is such an Atman in your being. Like this - one has accepted far too many things blindly. When this is done, we usually call that person a believer. Or - if you happen to think of something intensely and jump to conclusions - then we call this person a thinker. But neither thinking or believing is an attitude of one who is sincerely interested in the search for Truth. Because to be a seeker means just that - that you have come to recognize your ignorance and you are inquiring into things as an empty slate, trying to see things as they are out of your own intelligence.[/QUOTE]
I had to come to a personality standpoint as you insisted on asking me (over consecutive posts) if all the words I used were from my own experience.
By Guru’s grace, I have been initiated into[I] Mahayoga[/I] by [I]Shaktipaat[/I]. There have been some experiences along the way. I prefer not to talk about these.
However, I do confess that the path is difficult. I keep falling, but then Guru Shakti pulls me up every time.
Regarding atman, I found the treatise “The Doctrine of Karma” by Swami Abhedanand very useful. Maybe you would like to read it too. A fax copy is uploaded by a helpful soul on www.scribd.com
As regards its experience, yoga will show the way. The Guru and the texts serve as guide for that.