Yoga, love, and relationships

Spirituality
#1

Hello yoga community, I am new here and reaching out for love and guidance. I am female, 38 years old, live in the western U.S., have been in the same committed relationship for 18 years and have two beautiful children. I have a Type A personality where I am very achievement driven. My tendency toward over-tasking myself and generating stress through trying to control everything and everyone has lead me to burn-out and depression/anxiety at many points in my life. This lead me to yoga several years ago. I practice mainly Hatha, Kundalini, Vinyasa at a studio where there is much love. I live in a small community where the women (and finally a few men) that I practice with at the studio are often the same ones I see at school events for my kids, shopping for food at the market, and so forth. This is generally wonderful. However, I have something I have an internal conflict that I feel I cannot share in my local yoga community because it involves my marriage.

As I am developing so much love for myself and others, and I feel my spirt on its path to growth and enlightenment, I am so saddened that my husband stays in a self-loathing state fixated on his literal reality as the “truth”. I know I cannot force his growth and spiritual development and that this must be a choice he makes. I have hoped that he would see my growth and come to this choice on his own, but he stays stubbornly stuck repeating the same circular behaviors. I love him immensely and feel I can give so much love now without expectation. I know that love is not this notion of “you give to me, so I give back to you”… it is unconditional. It is divine. To love yourself and to love others is to see the face of God. Love is a gift.

My very difficult conflict is that I have been drawn to a man I work with who is open to spirit and growth and we have intimate conversations about our journeys. He is also married with children. We have had no physical contact other than an occasional hug. I am strongly attracted to him sexually and I think he may have the same feelings. Because of this I have tried to distance myself at certain points from him, yet it seems the universe keeps aligning us. We keep ending up assigned to the same projects at work. I have tried to meet his wife because I think if I know her spirit and feel love for her it will keep me from causing harm. This has not aligned. This internal conflict… loving this man but wanting a sexual relationship/suppressing it… and thinking about the harm this would cause to others (both of our spouses, our children if we break apart our families) is causing so much angst and physical manifestations of stress. My bowels are a mess. I have insomnia. I come back to my yoga practice, yoga nidra meditations, my breath, but still this persists. Please give me your strength and wisdom.

With love and light,
K

#2

Very hard situation.

One guy i know said when he cheated once the curtain falled down and it never became again what it had been. So with his new wife he will never once again cheat on her , he said. As it brings so much suffering for all parts.

I dont have that experience but i know if i did cheat i would not be able to close my eyes and meditate without seeing that before my eyes.

I guess if you dont feel content with your life now or of you grown away from each other, you could always separate first and then do whatever you want. But remember your life is now routine and your mind whants excitement so if you give in, how long will your mind be satisfied?
If your happy with your life now but lack excitement you could always make it more exciting to start with.

I hope you figure it out. Whatever you do.
Relationship can never be built on passion as passion dont last and goes away in time, there need to be something more deeper.

#3

This like all calamities arises out of a misidentification of oneself, utilizing the yogic sciences for clearer understanding of your true inner nature in an effort to resolve suffering may very well aid the process, be careful any advice you receive, more than likely you may be seeking reinforcement to act on gratifying illusions you have created in your mind.

#4

kjcinaz,

You have to make a decision which will pit your own desires against your duties and responsibilities. On one side there is your sexual desire for this man and the other is your family, your spouse and your children. Do you think it is worth throwing away your family for this man?

I will tell you the Yogic point of view, borrowing from the Bhagvad Gita. Arjuna is in a similar dilemma as you, it is his desire or love for his relatives vs his his duty and responsibilities as a warrior. He asks for advice from Krishna on which to choose. The Gita is based on Krishna’s dialogue with Arjuna on what he should do. In a nutshell: Do your duty and responsibilities, don’t just listen to the fleeting desires of your mind, which today want one thing, tomorrow want something else, but make your decision based on something more enduring and wider than you.

You are not just an individual anymore, you are also a wife and a mother. Your decision must also take into consideration your duties as a wife and a mother.

#5

Thank you, all. This is very helpful.

#6

Well, I met his wife. She is lovely…beautiful person inside and out. It does help. It does not kill my desire for him, however. In fact I’ll just refer to this other man as “DESIRE” from here.

My husband and I have also had some very open discussions lately… we have always been very open talking about our attractions to other people. He works with a woman who is a very good friend and he is very attracted to her. However, she is not attracted to him so I never worry even though they’ve gone on business trips together many times. Of course when I start talking about attachment/aversion, he doesn’t get it. He in fact has so much attachment to me that I think this is a large part of my discontent now… he loves me in a very dependent way so much that I fear he would take his own life if I were to ever leave him. He has terrible self-esteem and resists loving himself. This places so much burden on me because then I would be responsible for my children losing their father. Then I feel resentment that I am “trapped”… all of this is just not healthy. So the step I am taking is to seek marriage counseling but in the U.S. this means getting pre-authorization from my health insurance provider for a certain number of sessions…SIGH…red tape… but I am working on it. My hope is that this will provide a safe place for him to start talking about/releasing the burdens that hold him back from loving himself, and also take the burden off of me in the sense that he will now be connected to a qualified mental health professional if he has suicidal thoughts.

As far as DESIRE goes, I’ve limited my interactions with him though yesterday it ended up that we had to work side-by-side in a very small area where are arms touched occasionally etc. I did feel the “spark” and my mind wandered to lustful thoughts, but I kept bringing it back to work and he seemed to be doing the same. It helped that we were trying to meet a deadline. In my yoga and meditation practice, he frequently pops into my mind and I try to just acknowledge and dismiss…return to breath.

I appreciate any continued words of wisdom and support. If you are more comfortable with private messages relaying your own experience, please do not hesitate. Learning from others helps me.

With love and light
K

#7

As a long time married person I do have something to add to this discussion which may not be popular in todays pro armchair cure all fantasy plagued society, that relies on supposed experts to solve ones own issues coping with life.

Part of the reason for living in the first place is to figure these things out and no one can or should attempt to do it for you. People tell their children if it does not work out you can always come home. Often they raise failures. In my family there is my youngest half brother he is 30 living at home with his parents a live in girl friend an an infant. This is the second time this has happened. His drivers license has been revoked for not paying child support on the first.

He was told if it does not work out you can always come home.

I and the others were told you are on your own now, good luck. They did us a great service.

Life lesson: You must do it on your own then you will be a success.

Not everyone who is married, truly qualifies for marriage, consider that.

There are many reasons to marry and many to stay married, as well as reasons to divorce.

Mutual Respect must be in place if it is not then the foundation is weak and the structure will collapse.

Anyone can marry but if ones time and reason for being together are satisfied then one must re-evaluate ones position. Unfortunatly when this is the case it rarely is equally felt by both parties and there will be needed pain for someone or both in order to move on.

Counceling is involving a third party into a situation that essentialy is no ones business or ability to truly understand the dynamics you and your spouce already know and have the answers to and truly understand better than any stranger making a living off of others drama will ever be able.

The things that are needed is forthright common sense an true honisty with yourself and each other. Both of you already have your answers rely on that and nothing else. This will take courage, marriage and relationships with others are very serious life altering gifts not to be discarded easily and sometimes you really have to dig in deep get painfully honest and work things out togother. Togother is the key involving a third party is creating seperation where are they when the two of you are alone? Answer collecting money off of someone else so they can maintain there relationship with their people by paying the bills.

I find it appropriate to consider all women my Sisters or Mothers if they are of that age, except for my wife & all men my Brothers or Fathers if they are of that age. There is much wisdom in this attitude.

Attraction is unavoidable but the fish that is attracted to the shiney lure only finds its death at the end of a hook. All attraction gives way to reality once the newness wears off. Be slow to decide on anything.

#8

Then I feel resentment that I am “trapped”… all of this is just not healthy. So the step I am taking is to seek marriage counseling but in the U.S. this means getting pre-authorization from my health insurance provider for a certain number of sessions…SIGH…red tape… but I am working on it. My hope is that this will provide a safe place for him to start talking about/releasing the burdens that hold him back from loving himself, and also take the burden off of me in the sense that he will now be connected to a qualified mental health professional if he has suicidal thoughts.Then I feel resentment that I am “trapped”… all of this is just not healthy. So the step I am taking is to seek marriage counseling but in the U.S. this means getting pre-authorization from my health insurance provider for a certain number of sessions…SIGH…red tape… but I am working on it. My hope is that this will provide a safe place for him to start talking about/releasing the burdens that hold him back from loving himself, and also take the burden off of me in the sense that he will now be connected to a qualified mental health professional if he has suicidal thoughts.

It sounds like your trying to rationalize cheating on your husband with your “Desire” The intuition I am getting from reading your post is you are going to go ahead and do it. And I must say what a selfish thing that would be for you to do.

Your “desire” vs your family(husband and children) and the relationship between you desire and his beautiful lovely wife.

#9

Kyoga -
I wrote you back in a private message. Since you’re new here, it should give you a popup when you login. If not, pretend this message if a pop-up and it says, ‘NEW MESSAGE!’

#10

If you feel compelled to seek advice, by all means do so, but realize those who think they know what’s better for you than you know for yourself are dangerous.

#11

Just a quick reply to thank you all for the responses. I have received some private messages that are helping me the most, and I will likely continue an ongoing dialogue with those individuals. I have made a decision that I want to work on my marriage and I believe a counselor can help us with this. We have our first appointment soon. Some of the responses above show a lack of understanding in what counseling/therapy is about… you do not go to a third party to SOLVE your problems and tell you what to do. What a good counselor does is help you uncover issues, teach you how to better communicate, and help you solve your problems yourself. There is no shame in seeking support and guidance in life, whether it be from yoga, therapy, religion, a combination of these, etc. This point I cannot stress enough: If someone has suicidal thoughts, it is VERY important that the person be connected with a qualified professional.

With love and light,
K

#12

Desires is a most challenging issue to deal with :confused:

The act of putting out a quiry in writing mode on a site like this, with spiritual minded people, may in itself stimulating one’s own awareness and perspective.

With increased awareness and inquiry into the matter a shift in consiousness may result which is positive for the matter.

Awareness is the ultimate healer in life, in yoga, in psychology and in relationships as well.

#13

[QUOTE=Kyoga;82451]Just a quick reply to thank you all for the responses. I have received some private messages that are helping me the most, and I will likely continue an ongoing dialogue with those individuals. I have made a decision that I want to work on my marriage and I believe a counselor can help us with this. We have our first appointment soon. Some of the responses above show a lack of understanding in what counseling/therapy is about… you do not go to a third party to SOLVE your problems and tell you what to do. What a good counselor does is help you uncover issues, teach you how to better communicate, and help you solve your problems yourself. There is no shame in seeking support and guidance in life, whether it be from yoga, therapy, religion, a combination of these, etc. This point I cannot stress enough: If someone has suicidal thoughts, it is VERY important that the person be connected with a qualified professional.

With love and light,
K[/QUOTE]

You obviously believe this to be the best way to go, so best wishes, only you know what works for you.

#14

Dear K,

Yes, a counselor can work wonders. And you are correct in that they do not “solve” anything. They guide you to being able to “solve.”

Admitting there is a problem and asking for help takes a lot of courage. Best of luck to you.

#15

Ha ’

So you’ve put yourself to the yoke, again. That’s yogic.
But is it good ?

Realized today that a married friend, having three kids, she’s in love with me.
Me, the unappealing loser of a divorced man in debt.

Go figure. Some women get so little appreciation in their cemented relationships, that the slightest gesture of kindness makes them fall.

And I really had sparse and superficial contact with her. I turned toward her with genuine interest, not because she’s a woman, but because she’s an actor, and I was intrigued to meet someone of this profession.

Next moment I am a tempter. And it troubles me, the suffering this causes in her, and her marriage. And I am not loving her back. In fact, now I’ll have to avoid her. Could you believe this mess …

I do blame myself for the few words we shared. But could I have known ?
Should I retreat to a cloister, so I am not always stepping on broken hearts ? Isn’t this silly. They either break your heart, or you break theirs’. Could we just avoid breaking anything ? Or should we just break everything and settle for it as the best Leibnizian universe ?