Anger Management

Yoga Discussion General Yoga
#1

I am looking for tips on how most people manage their anger? I find myself angry deep down most of the time. I just don’t let it come to the surface in a professional environment. But at home when I am with my family, the ones that I care and love the most, I find myself bursting out of anger many times. Obviously I really don’t want to do this, but for 1 or the other reason I just do it. Later I regret and I find that it also affects my health. I am border line hypertensive. Not sure what research says, but I strongly bleieve that when you get angry, your blood pressuer rises and when your blood pressure rises you can get angry on things you would not if your blood pressure was normal.
So I believe you get stuck in the vicious cycle of “anger” and “high blood pressure”

What are your experiences of anger? Do you attempt to control it? If so, does it help?

#2

yalgaar – it is beautiful that you are asking about this. It shows great love for your family and a dedication to your part in building those relationships and your future together.
My experience with uncontrolled emotion is with sorrow and pessimism, but in general the answer lies in recognizing the internal state for what it is and choosing whether or not you will let that leak over the people around you. Remember your freedom.

What is it about a professional environment that helps you manage yourself, and that is absent from your relationships at home?

#3

This deep well anger you describe is definitely not good for your health - physical, relationship, or emotional. Stating the obvious - it is a manifestation of your stress. The questions are: what is the root cause of your stress, and; what are you doing to manage your stress?

Yoga practice has benefitted me in a huge way to manage stress, as do other things that bring me joy. I try to do something that brings me joy at least once a day.

In your professional environment you feel restricted enough to behave in socially accepted ways and not ‘blow up’. But at home, it’s easy to let that go and behave badly toward those closest to you. Not a good thing, unless your family has unlimited gifts of tolerance.

As for the causes of your stress: only you know that. Try therapy. It worked for me.

#4

You may want to check out: “ACT on Life Not on Anger: The New Acceptance & Commitment Therapy Guide to Problem Anger” by Georg H. Eifert, Matthew McKay, John P. Forsyth, and Steven C. Hayes (Paperback - Mar 3, 2006).

#5

yalgaar, most often anger erupts at home because we feel “safe” with our family and know that we can show them the most negative aspects of ourselves and they will still love us. Unfortunately, it tends to negatively impact those relationships when it happens too often or without provocation.

I agree with Techne, its wonderful that you are seeking help, good for you. Lots of people just brush it off. There are many many ways to deal with anger. From the simplest (counting to ten before speaking) to complex therapy with a psychiatrist. May I be so forward as to offer some simple techniques and suggestions?

Physical release - many folks need to release anger physically. For this you might need to run, hit a punching bag, do ANYTHING that really gets you panting and sweaty.

Writing or art - this is more easily done in a professional setting. Anytime you are irritated, rather than bottling it up so you later explode like a volcano, write it down or draw something to release some energy.

Yelling or screaming - into a pillow or something. This is often a great release but tends to disturb those we live with unless they are prepared. Just prep your family, go into your room, and scream your lungs out into your pillow.

Picture your anger as a physical thing that is trying to get out of your body. Once you have a clear picture of it, you will be able to choose its path out of your body.

Anger is only a feeling, and feelings will never hurt anyone. Its what you choose to do with those feelings when you act that can become hurtful. Good luck my friend I hope you are able to practice some things to help you.

#6

Yalgar buddy,

This one is simple, although not necessarily easy. Let?s break it down.

Anger is a ?holding-on? to pain and fear caused by past trauma, emotional, spiritual, physical or otherwise that denies us experience of a complete and pure Self. It may have occurred during your lifetime, in the womb, or some might even say in past life, and it may manifest in many forms: make things difficult, make you feel cheated, make you feel inferior, withdrawn, depressed, etc. Regardless of how, when and why, it is ultimately rooted in your body, it?s your karma, your bad luck, yours to carry. ?Ain?t life beautiful?? Yes! It is, because this karma is now your gift, your guide, your teacher and you have already begun to address it in seeking yoga: the wisdom of your body telling you??You can change. There is a way!?

If you practice earnestly, observing the anger, its triggers, ask enough questions, meditate, etc, you may eventually come to know the cause and so become aware, and that helps. However, while awareness will modify the anger, it doesn?t necessarily eliminate it, or cause permanent change that may lead to your liberation from it, which may take some months and years, perhaps 10 or 20, or a lifetime, particularly if the trauma was physical. So in the meantime you have only to do three things:

  1. Keep doing the yoga, doing it well and right, and keep the faith brother. You will be liberated and redeemed one day.
  2. Stop and observe the anger as it arises and ask??pain or fear?? Know that its cause is the body and that you are already doing all you can to change it, and that it is changing.
  3. Stop attaching the anger to the external world, people, conditions or circumstances. It?s your deal, and yours alone.

And then there are these six magic words, which I owe to my brother: ?I love you. Please forgive me.?

If you practice these things, your anger will one day fade away. You will wake up one morning and think…?Gee. I?m not angry anymore," or, “That used to make me so angry,” and laugh. It will be only a bad memory. I promise.

Peace and love,
siva

#7

Anger is a bad relative that visits me too. Nowadays, I’m equipped to let it visit and handle it appropriately but I don’t have one simple cure to wipe it out. Most ways of dealing with it help about 10 percent and if you do enough of those, the 10 percents add up to 50 percent or more.
From a war, the VA has me rated 90 percent PTSD so mine has involved plenty of violence along with temper. Angry outbursts are now reduced almost totally in me unless some sleep deprivation is involved, so if sleep patterns get very poor I would immediately seek doc’s for sleep meds.
Meditation, pranayama, exercise, open discussing stuff that makes me angry are all ways to reduce outbursts. Although, be careful after exercise if you’re still hyped up with adrenaline, and punching bags may get ya more likely to throw punches sometimes, although they relax me. Sattva like diet has helped mood and outlook greatly, raw foodism can help feel real life as opposed to the ‘quasi illusions’ that prey on our emotions and rationality.
When I worked in Poker rooms there was a guy that always handled a bad run of cards better than most people. But then we learned that when he got home, he often took out his anger on pets or family members, evidently his anger was just bottled up and eventually released elsewhere.

In my case, being woke up if I’m only half awake has resulted in me fighting so I keep the door barracked instead of simply closed and when I’m in a hospital surgery room I tell doctors in advance of my behavior in semi-conscious states and they adjust knockout drugs accordingly. It wasn’t good when I awoke half drugged and immediately tore the IV’s from my arms and punched nearby medical staff. Some episodes were kinda humorous in retrospect. I definitely made sure the doc’s knew that I couldn’t be semi conscious for a colonoscopy checkup 4 years ago.

When you stated that anger can raise blood pressure and then the high blood pressure can cause more anger, that is a key to understanding how to reduce anger also. For example, when I’m tense, my breathing becomes shallow and tense, to the point of holding my breath. Therefore, try to reverse that sequence, learning to focus on exhales and fuller breathing can bring less ‘fight and flight’ activity in whatever part of the brain is doing the anger and panic reaction. Better brainwave state and oxygen probably.
Some of ‘Thich Nhat Hanh’ CDs are easy ways to work on anger management, just listen to his methods when driving your car. It is a noble act to reduce our anger levels, I applaud any of your efforts.
Best Wishes, not so angry Gil.

#8

OH MY GOD!!! I really don’t know where to begin. Not sure what I am going to write here. But just read all your replies my friends. I really have tears in my eyes right now reading all these replies. I have always felt so upset and bad that I get angry on the people that love me the most, people who I love the most. I have felt so bad and guilty about my behavior; still feel that way.

I have felt even worse about all this thinking that nothing can and will be done about this. Deep down I have been angry about so many things, but it seems I have also been angry about being angry and the way I am with my loved ones at times when I am angry. I honestly believe that I am a very nice kind, loving and caring person in every loving relationship I have that is being a parent, being a husband, being a son, being a brother or being a friend. But most of the times i feel guilty and bad that there has been times i have not treated them or behaved with them the way they deserve and have the right to be treated. Have made me feel terribly guity about this. Worse to know there is nothing I can do about it no matter how much I try.

I just feel so lucky that i have such wonderful loving relationships that understand and only love me despite of my angry behavior at times.

All your replies have made me feel that there is a way out of this. I have already read your replies 2 times. I am sure I am going to read all of them again and again many many times, there is lot of good material in this. I honestly doubt you guys even know the depth at which it is going to help me and mean to me. I wish I could be friends with all you guys in real and could show you what my other relationships mean to me. If only i could not get the angry feeling as often as I get, it would change my life in many many ways. I would be able to give all the people I love even more love. My love to them would have different meaning. Right now I feel all my love and caring goes to drain just because of things I say when I am angry; things that I most of the times really don’t mean it.

I am going to consider all the suggestions and advice provided from all you guys.

SO LUCKY ARE PEOPLE WHO ARE MEMBERS OF THIS WONDEFUL FORUM WITH ALL SUCH WONDERUFL PEOPLE IN IT.

#9

anger affects people in different ways. There are people who have no patience and get angry easily and there are other more patience that can manage their anger better. Unfortunately anger is inevitable in life and it is important to know safe ways to manage your anger better.

Discussions with conflicts can make you feel very uncomfortable. The best way to resolve a dispute or a disagreement with another person is to discuss with him.

If you feel angry prefer to do something else, for example go jogging or strike a pillow. Prefer to scream against a tree or a car than against another person. You can also talk to someone you trust.

#10

Be angry if you must, and be sorry for it later. Do it consciously, until you realize that it is too much trouble and there is a shorter way, that of releasing your attchements, giving up your selfish needs. Do not get accustomed to joys and pleasures. Try to check the level of your attachment by planning ahead; create yourself situations when you are intteruped while performing actions you like. If you are annoyed, angered, than the attachment is too strong, and you are doing it more for the sake of selfish pleasure, than the greater good.

#11

Whenever I am angry, I exercise until I can barely move. At that point, reflecting on the anger makes it much more manageable.

#12

For anger, a daily yoga practice covering essential postures such as the 12 in Sivananda yoga is vital. Also, go back to basics and pay attention to your breathing all the time. Ask yourself - am I breathing slowly and deeply. Finally, cultivate daily meditation of 20 minutes. Sit quietly with your thoughts and observe but do nothing. It all eventually melts away.

#13

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#14

But would you be angry if they took away your daily practice ? :slight_smile: If yes, than that is just treating the symptoms, not the illness itself. :wink:

IMO, best remedies for anger are surrender and letting go. The opposite of anger is not peace of mind, but generosity of soul.

Think of this way: I feel anger. Anger makes that other being (human or not) antipathic. But such thoughts will have their karmic results in time, and will turn back to you in form of annoyment, and pain. Yes, divine justice (or karma, if you like) works that way. Even if you do not act upon these thoughts, they will be carried on and will come back to you. Now, we know that we are far from being able to really manage anger at it’s root. But the least what we can do, is that whenever an anthipathy awakens in our soul, we accept it, recall the law of karma to our mind, this will help us let the angry thought go, than we might focus our mind on something like: God have mercy on all of us, feeling genuine remorse. Yes, the remorseul feeling for what we have done (even a single thought counts as an action) will balance us. The karmic effect of the bad thought will still be lthere though. Indeed, only when we manage to not have any aggressive, ill-willed feelings or thoughts, can we be free of the karmic debt of anger.

Thus, while superficially anger can be “controlled” by various tehniques, it really will be eradicated only when the higher stages of meditation are practiced.

#15

Lovely post Hubert.

I have always viewed anger as a secondary emotion. Usually the first emotion is hurt, fear, sadness…something like that and then we react with anger. Some people feel the first emotions are “weak” and choose to mask the weakness with anger. Perhaps allowing yourself to accept the first emotion would be something to look at as well.

#16

[QUOTE=yalgaar;25801]
What are your experiences of anger? Do you attempt to control it? If so, does it help?[/QUOTE]

Hello Yalgaar,

In my life, all of my anger has come from frustration. When I have a problem that I haven’t figured the solution out for yet, my natural tendency is to become frustrated, which erupts in anger.

Problem solving is often extremely difficult and requires experimentation. Trial and error. Don’t beat yourself up for getting the wrong solution on the first try, and don’t get lazy. The physicist Richard Feynman had a great problem solving algorithm:

  1. Write down the problem
  2. Think real hard
  3. Write down the answer

I love this for two reasons. First, it’s funny. Second, most people skip over step one. Identifying what it is that you are working on is essential for finding it’s solution. Figuring out just exactly what the problem is is often the most difficult part of the algorithm.

If the problem is unsolvable or requires more effort than is worthwhile, understanding exactly what the nature of the frustration is helps greatly in just letting go of the anger.

#17

Very scientific indeed. :slight_smile:

Alix, I must confess that as usual, I am quite bad at putting into practice what I preach. :wink: I aim high but I hit miserably low.

#18

[QUOTE=Hubert;26284]Very scientific indeed. :slight_smile:

Alix, I must confess that as usual, I am quite bad at putting into practice what I preach. :wink: I aim high but I hit miserably low.[/QUOTE]
Like perhaps with your toe on a chair? :lol:

Hubert, I’ve always like the quote, “Shoot for the moon, even if you miss you’ll land among the stars” Keep aiming high my friend.

#19

I have also suffered from such problems in the past. When people get angry they often do things that the regret once they calm down. I resorted to anger management . The best way that I resorted to was doing yoga…it kept me calm and helped me to control my anger.

#20

Thanks for the encouragement … nice quote !