How do you deal with people who annoy you?
I try to train myself to[U] be patient and accept them[/U] as they are.
Sometimes I do fine and I feel good about managing my impatience or anger. But sometimes I’m thinking about abandoning the relationships, since the person is impossible to handle.
I do not know should I keep practicing my patience and acceptance or this is the wrong way to practice it.
What do you think?
You always have the choice of abandoning a relationship that is having an unhealthy effect on you.
since the person is impossible to handle
Is it really impossible though? Or does it just seem so because you are so frustrated right now?
I am always a fan of trying your patience a bit more. Who knows, you might find something incredibly endearing about this person if you get to know them better!
I am also a fan of this most fun thread from last week on acceptance of others.
I have been thinking of this a lot lately and come to see that I should give more patience to ‘annoying people’, because it is ME seeing them as annoying. Their family and friends and loved ones obviously accept and love them for the same characteristics that drive me mad, so it can’t possibly be them. It must be me, and ME is something I can change without removing the object of affliction from the situation. Perhaps it is wise though to give some space to the relationship in order to work through those problems; but in the end, it is MY reaction to them which is annoying me, not them.
Try sending people you have difficulties with metta. This changes your attitude towards them.
[QUOTE=Loretha;31893]Try sending people you have difficulties with metta. This changes your attitude towards them.[/QUOTE]
I do practice metta and i do not experience negative feeling toward ignorant and diluted peple.
It is easy to talk without example. Here is one:
What would you do it some comes to your house everyday without invitation for half a year, and starts gossiping, cursing and bad wording about everything in the world?
I had few attempts to redirect person’s energy towards positive… but it was unsuccessful
What would you do it some comes to your house everyday without invitation for half a year, and starts gossiping, cursing and bad wording about everything in the world?
“That sir/ma’am, is the door and if you don’t use it, I’ll make you”.
It is better to be violent, if there is violence in our hearts, than to put on the cloak of nonviolence to cover impotence. - Mahatma Ghandi
I’m just saying the use of excessive force is a hell of a lot less damaging to both parties than many failed attempts to control the situation through less aggressive means (the many failed attempts, in my opinion, indicate violence).
It’s not the end sollution, just an early step.
Edit: Oh and the failed attempts is implied by:
[QUOTE=CityMonk;32251]I do practice metta and i do not experience negative feeling toward ignorant and diluted peple.
It is easy to talk without example. Here is one:
What would you do it some comes to your house everyday without invitation for half a year, and starts gossiping, cursing and bad wording about everything in the world?
I had few attempts to redirect person’s energy towards positive… but it was unsuccessful[/QUOTE]
well that can be challenging. One thing is you could try and see what this person is doing as love. Some people may want something to talk about or feel passionate about, and in doing this they may choose things like cursing for passionate emphasis, talking about others to keep themselves entertained, judging how othere live their lives for a sense of wholeness or righteousness. etc… In my life I have done all these and maybe others on this forum have as well.
So is what they are doing wrong or bad, some would say on one level it is while on another level it is not. Is there any humor in what this person is doing? have you ever done things like this yourself, do you still do things like this yourself, etc… etc…
peace be with ya
Brother Neil
Well, till what extend would you be patient with difficult person?
[QUOTE=CityMonk;32275]Well, till what extend would you be patient with difficult person?[/QUOTE]
I can speculate now on how patient I would be, but not until then would I really know.
I think the answer you’re after is to change their title (nothing else) from “difficult person” to “person” and forget about patience and nulify the need for violence.
[quote=CityMonk;32251]…What would you do it some comes to your house everyday without invitation for half a year, and starts gossiping, cursing and bad wording about everything in the world?
I had few attempts to redirect person’s energy towards positive… but it was unsuccessful[/quote]
In most cases I find honesty to be the thing that works BEST for ME. Bearing in mind that most of my annoyances are merely others reflecting me back to me…and bearing in mind that whatever my action it is must be balanced (or counter balanced), I still have boundaries and I gently tend my boundaries.
Here I would simply tell the other person “If you’re going to continue coming over to chat, then you will have to discontinue using profanity. I chose not to have that sort of language in my living space.”
For a person who is coming over regularly without invitation AND if I have an expectation that I will only entertain those I’ve invited, then I’d make that clear. “I prefer to invite company to my home and uninvited guests disrupt my living and my privacy and therefore it’s not the level of respect I expect from my friends.”
I think these things are case-by-case. Some things I need to grow to accept and work with and enjoy. Other things I am perfectly in my right to not be around. The skill of a person on the path of yoga (here) is to discern which is which.
I read this book a few years ago: Thank You for Being Such a Pain: Spiritual Guidance for Dealing with Difficult People by Mark Rosen
It was really great, as instead of having the usual lists of do’s/don’ts which are contrived, instead it really raised great questions and let me come up with my own answers.
One little part I remember the author talks about imagine if someone is not just having a bad day, or a bad week…but rather is having a bad LIFE! Wow, that gets you thinking what you would be like in their shoes. He sees these people as a way to develop sincere empathy, as well as being teachers for our own weak spots. Not an easy thing to teach, but he does so with an engaging style of just getting you to consider possibilities, then making up your own mind.
That’s what I remember about it, anyway
Recently someone reminded me of this quote - ‘Water seeks its own level’.
Not sure about it myself…just thought I would throw it out there…
I read this story sometime ago, can’t remember the book: will make it short. There is this bad ass snake that attacked everything in sight, for fun. Killed every animal it could kill. A monk approached the snake and talked about its attitude, and the spiritual consequences.
The snake promised the monk to behave and practice ahimsa. A year later monk meets the snake; it was weak, unhealthy and bruised all over. Monk asked why, snake said since changed its attitude all the naughty creatures picked on it, bullied and beat it; for fun.
Monk surprised at how snake couldn’t use its assets to defend itself: Monk asked snake, and you couldn’t even hiss? Let alone defend youself?
The moral of the story? You don’t have to take it lying down; you have you to think about, as long as you approach things in a kind, good intentioned way.
You can’t develop patience by being in a comfortable environment. You need difficult people in your life. They are the teachers of patience. Without them, how could you possibly practice patience? Hold them dear to you and continue to be patient and tolerant.
The only time people truly annoy me is when I have expectations of them.
Without the expectations that people should be any other way than they are, you’ll find yourself hard pressed to get annoyed with anyone again!
[QUOTE=YogiAdam;32420]You can’t develop patience by being in a comfortable environment. You need difficult people in your life. They are the teachers of patience. Without them, how could you possibly practice patience? Hold them dear to you and continue to be patient and tolerant.[/QUOTE]
I agree. And that was my original question:
How far do we have to go in our practicing patience to others?
How patient can you be if (for example) one comes to you house without invitation every other day and bad-wording about everything in the world.
Would you be patient or you will kick the person out?
hmmmmmmmm… What an amazing opportunity to develop patience. Now, I think that if you are a victim of abuse, then that’s not productive for yourself or the abuser, so then I would draw the line.
In regards to the example you give, well, this could be considered an opportunity to develop yourself spiritually. Just like going to the gym, you need resistance such as weights to tone your body. Very light weights offer the least resistance, and have the least effect on the body. They are also the most comfortable to use, due to the lack of resistance.
Spiritually we are rough pieces of wood and need to be made smooth. Most of us would much prefer to be stroked with a nice silk cloth, but it requires course sandpaper to make us smooth.
I would first attempt to use the opportunity to develop yourself spiritually, as this is a precious opportunity. Destroy your enemies, by making them your dear friends. If this doesn’t work for you, tell them to piss off. At the end of the day, we’re only human.
[QUOTE=A Better Me;32508]The only time people truly annoy me is when I have expectations of them.
Without the expectations that people should be any other way than they are, you’ll find yourself hard pressed to get annoyed with anyone again![/QUOTE]
Nice!
[QUOTE=CityMonk;32540]I agree. And that was my original question:
How far do we have to go in our practicing patience to others?
How patient can you be if (for example) one comes to you house without invitation every other day and bad-wording about everything in the world.
Would you be patient or you will kick the person out?[/QUOTE]
What about being direct with this person, and tell them what is on your mind? They are probably not aware how much their behaviour affect people. And you owe it to yourself to be kind to you.