Falling for my instructor

Yoga Discussion General Yoga
#1

Maybe you all out there can help me. I am young guy and I love to practice yoga. Currently I am falling head over heels for one of my instructors. She is a enchanting woman and very spiritual. After class i speak with her briefly thanking her for her guidance in my practice.

I really want to ask her out, well at least for coffee or something casual. Do you see a problem with that? Is there a conflict? If no, any suggestions on how I should do such a thing?

Any insight is greatly appreciated. Thanks!

#2

well the worst that can happen is she says no.
Some yoga disciplines have guidelines about student
and teacher relationships, like if you two become involved you
can no longer be her student, but that dont sound like a bad trade off.
you may be able to look into that, or you could just ask her, get to know her
and let it unfold.
best to you
Brother Neil

#3

Tricky, tricky. If she doesn’t like you, you may loose a teacher…you have to be willing to risk that.

#4

Well, just make sure that you come off with the attitude that if she says no, or yes, you can still be friends ie. student.

#5

As a yoga teacher it is most beneficial to the student when I am able to encourage or guide them to look beyond the surface stuff. And so Ace, I would invite you to look well beyond the potentiality of losing a teacher or remaining “friends”. These are both surmountable.

Frankly, my job as a yoga teacher is not at all to make friends or be popular or be well-liked (nor to alienate or be disliked). My job is merely to share yoga from the heart, do so with as much integrity and honesty as I can muster in my living, and in so doing, guide the student toward their spirit/self/soul/source/light.

It can be appropriate for a deeper relationship to develop between a teacher and student. It can also be inappropriate. Generally speaking, as in all teacher-student relating, there is an initial and substantial power imbalance and that places strain on both parties, inhibiting a forward-progress in the aforementioned integrity. The waters become murky very quickly.

The deeper relationship develops when the interest comes not from the vital or mental force but from the heart center. In other words there is a soul connection. Ergo from a yogic point of view, the “my teacher is hot” paradigm isn’t the more sound jumping off point.

There are two things in the potential decision at this point. First, can you be honest in your approach without pretense or cloaking? And two is your life’s purpose served in so doing, or is it only your cravings? A mindful decision of any sort is “ok” and only you can determine what that decision should be for you.

Gordon

#6

Ace are you sure this isn’t some sort of transference issue? It is easy to “fall in love” with someone who is helping you or teaching you especially if you are physically attracted to the person. People develop strong feelings for their therapists all the time. I have had similar feelings for a number of my female yoga instructors but I remember that I know them in a very specific and somewhat idealized way. This can be an exciting feeling and, understanding it, I think it helps my practice. It isn’t really the same thing as “falling in love” though.

On the other hand if you are genuinely in love with her or just really want to get to know her better, the old “lets go get some coffee” bit is a good starter. A chance to test the waters of her interest without really risking anything.

#7

I agree with the above perspective.

You see your yoga instructors at their best. (or should) Remember that even yoga instructors must walk away from the mat and into society at the end of the day. Essentially, they are people too, and though they are on a path to transcend, they are are still human like everyone else.

But being a hopeless romantic, if you deem it worthwhile to pursue, consider the reverberations your actions will have on other students, the instructor and other instructors at the studio. If you desire to be on that level with a person, then desire the whole package, not just the ideals that they bear.

Having known others in that situaton before, I would say give it some time. Yoga has the potential to teach one how to see through desires, and in turn, taking away their power over the mind.

#8

So this dude is hopeless and on a lower level than his yoga instructor? Hmmm. So, what level are yoga instructors on?

#9

So this dude is hopeless and on a lower level than his yoga instructor? Hmmm. So, what level are yoga instructors on?

Charon, to whom is your question directed? I’m not sure who’s post got this response out of you.

#10

JSK. But any yoga instructor who feels they are on a higher level than their clients can answer.

#11

Lets just say, I would advise you be very carefull, not because of any rules or for the reasons people might think. Im talking from experience here! Please focus on the yoga, and continue to develop a friendship, but be very very careful. its highly possible you may not be used to woman that are open and friendly in the way she might well be. And she might not have any clue about the fact you feel this way. I am happy to discuss in personal messages in more detail.

Do what ever you need too, but remember your in a vulnerable state and not being objective. I would suggest not doing anything for a year, and just go to class, be freindly, and see what bits of information she lets slip that might be useful in knowing how she feels, and if she is married or anything like that.

Its a tough position to be in. Good luck.

#12

[QUOTE=Charon;29738]JSK. But any yoga instructor who feels they are on a higher level than their clients can answer.[/QUOTE]

I used the word hopeless romantic. I was trying to give advice without giving advice and it came out wrong.

I’m a sucker for a love story. There have been many times when I’ve thrown caution to the wind and acted without fear of the reprecussions because of love.

I dunno what levels you are talking about.

#13

i like your [I]‘There have been many times when I’ve thrown caution to the wind and acted without fear of the reprecussions because of love.[/I]’ cos if u love someone just becos they r single or whatever then it is conditional love.

but of course throwing caution to the wind doesnt usually operate long or smoothly in real life. if one is content just to love / admire without the going out for coffee thingy and let nature takes its course it may be less agonising. :wink:

#14

I would tend to agree with your perspective. But being content to love/admire without it being agonising is a practice in itself.

Since the AceUH admits he is a young guy and that he’s falling head over heels for one of his instructors and describes her as an enchanting woman and is grateful for her guidance and he wants to ask her out, then I can imagine it’s already agonising.

One of My practices is to refrain from giving too much advice.
If I suggested something outside the bounds of my practice, I would likely say.

She’s new, you’re likely new to yoga, all of these new thoughts and dynamics are exciting, and they are being idealized as spiritual teaching and these teachings are coming from an attractive woman of authority. Chances are, you will meet a student or instructor in the future who you feel the same way about. When men are young, we have to deal with testosterone. When young men are fit, in shape and healthy, testosterone can be a driving force in their life and influence the choices they make.
Women who have a long time history of yoga practice can be very attractive. Healthy, vital, strong, confident. Those are a few words I would use. I think many people have been in a yoga class where the amount of beauty to behold can be almost overwhelming. I will admit that I have done more than one or two classes with my eyes closed.

My advice is to let your attraction run it’s course. Remind yourself that your instructor is no different than you are. You are both people with mortal lives and social obligations. When you are in the presence of your instructor (or any beautiful woman for that matter), bask in her feminine qualities and let her beauty penetrate every cell of your being as if it were the wind from the ocean on a warm sunny day blowing over your skin for the first time. You can enjoy every aspect of a woman’s existence without it becoming physically or emotionally intimate.

If you want to take this to the physical/intimate level, I would highly reccomend you find another studio first, then ask her out on a date. Because once you cross that student/teacher boundarie, things may get a little awkward. If you ask her and she says no, it could be awkward for you (or her) to continue her classes if you feel rejected. If she says yes, and you decide to start dating, it could be awkward trying to teach her date/bf in a student/teacher setting. Plus it could be a turn off to her other students.

If you deem it’s worth leaving a class/instructor/studio, by all means, go for it.
If not, keep your attraction under wraps for the sake of everyone involved.

#15

wow what an eloquent reply :cool:. would you care to comment/advice if the gender is reverse in the same situation? :oops:

#16

Ace,

This is women who don’t like men trying to mess with your head. Did you notice how “not giving much advice” can turn to several paragraphs. Then at the end you get the ultimatum. JSK thinks she/he is your mom. I guess you have to listen - ha ha!

Ace - do what you want. Yoga is easy to learn. And within a couple of weeks, you can be certified and open your own studio. Then you will find out how true yogis operate. All capitalism and spirit-less! Then you can look down on your students, slander them, and then feel good about how god like you are.

Welcome to yoga!

#17

[QUOTE=tessiesasha;29760]wow what an eloquent reply :cool:. would you care to comment/advice if the gender is reverse in the same situation? :oops:[/QUOTE]

I have a feeling the situation would be different if the genders were reversed.

#18

Charon, I’m sorry but I don’t understand you at all, I think JSK gave a sound answer to the question, as well as DoestheDog?. They both gave good advice and good perspective on the whole situation. I usually lurk, but I couldn’t help but wonder what you’re talking about in all your posts.

As for AceUh, if you really feel strong about your feelings, I think asking for coffee is friendly and won’t scare anyone, see what happens! :slight_smile:

#19

Im just saying men are targets when they join a yoga studio of women instructors. I guess extreme vanity has a massive evil streak. With many years of practicing yoga I can see straight through the veil of spiritual emptiness and straight to the heart of hate. I guess I have become more aware of the vapid spiritual aspect of yoga that serves the selfish and pathetic ego.

I wonder if Ace’s yoga instructor put hers plastic surgeon receipts next to her yoga certifications on the wall. Wouldn’t that be the spiritual thing to do so Ace could get a good idea on how much her upkeep will cost? It could end up being a real expensive cup of coffee. I just think the dude should be aware.

Be true to yourself!

#20

Care to elaborate? What are men targets of?