Fated to be alone forever?

Yoga Discussion General Yoga
#1

i am 22, and i have been wanting a girlfriend for as long as i can remember

i am good looking, and have a good personality, and am confdient and stuff, but it just never works out with girls

all my life, girls always find someone else or just dont like me

i always am on the bottom of getting text replied and they never want to make time for me

this problem has put my life through hell, i have been depressed, i have attempted suicide, and now in college getting passed over by more girls and i am at the point i just cant take it anymore

how can i make myself not like girls? i want to be asexual, and just not even like girls

they have caused me nothing but misery all my life, and even though i have been on the path to self improvement for a long time, and even though i look better and am have a great personality,

i guess i will just never be good enough for anyone

#2

Namaste Bolno,

I realized in your previous thread that what you are really concerned about is your wordly and life not your spiritual life, and this is why I directly addressed that concern by making it clear to you spirituality/Buddhism/Yoga is not for you. Trust me, it is better hearing that, than the unpractical garbage of entering your personal stargate to super cosmic realms of enlightenment or being zen that you were hearing.

It is ok to be a wordlly person and have wordly desires like wanting a girlfriend, making money, passing your exams, landing your dream job. These desires are considered natural desires in the religion of Hinduism, and always precede spirituality: Pleasure, wealth and career are all legitimate aims in life. When you have fulfilled them, only then can you move to spirituality, but not before. So for now take our spirituality/Budddhism/Yoga out of the equation, and focus on your wordly life.

You are 22, not 52. You are still very young, and you will get loads of opportunities to find partners in life. If you were 52 and never had a girlfriend, that would of course be a cause for worry, but at 22 you are still a young man. I did not have my first relationship until 22 either, and when it happened it happened very unexpectedly. So seriously don’t despair, you have a lot of your life left for girls.

Stop identifying with labels like ‘good looking’ ‘confident’ ‘great personality’ For every few people that will tell you you are good looking, there will be one who will say you are not and that can really damage your sense of self. I know it myself because I get comments like that all the time, but every now and again somebody will say or indicate the opposite and it starts a whirlwind of thoughts in my mind. Such labels are not helpful to you at all and contribute to a false and insecure sense of self. Whenever somebody calls you ‘good looking’ simply thank them, and continue being you, don’t identify yourself with it. Just be you.

The freer we become from the need of labels and approval of others the more freer we become in general in being ourselves. We don’t need labels to be ourselves. Do you need a label of “good dishwasher” to wash your dishes? Similarly, you do not need the label of ‘good looking’ to talk to girls. You will be surprised that many of the people who have girlfriends are not even considered that good looking, and yet they have girlfriends who are considered good looking.

Simply be whoever and whatever you are, without the need for approval and labels. When you allow yourself this freedom, you will be surprised by truly how attractive you become to everybody around you. We are attracted to people who are free and comfortable in being themselves. You will come truly alive when you let go and surrender to your self.

#3

Namaste…!!

At the age of just 22, worried about girls??
In India, legal age for marriage for boys is 21 and most Indian boys never have a relationship before that age.:slight_smile:

There is a concept in Indian spirituality that girls, books, music, sciences, money and other pursuits of human experience are interchangeable. A couple of beers will give the same high to me than a girl talking to me for an hour.

Listening to music or being a composer of music gives the similar high-mood.

I still remember my college days where one of our professors used to say that girls are like rose flowers with many thorns associated with them. The more one wants to have girls, the more the thorns one has to deal with…!!!

There are plenty of pleasant things God has given human race…Just that one needs to find the ones which are best for one.

#4

Hi Bolno,

such a young guy like you does not need to worry…

Finding “a” girlfriend is somewhat pointless and does not work for many. When I was 23 years old I had a bad dating experience with someone who obviously dated many women and tried to find the one who fits into his requirements catalogue. When we ended our dating and I was sad, he gave me the advice to date many guys and become better and better in dating. I did exactly the opposite and enjoyed my single life. By the time I stopped to hope to find the man of my dreams in clubs and concentrated on the things I wanted to do, like working, sports, hanging out with my friends.

Three years ago I fell in love. After a couple of months the two of us just could not ignore the obvious sparks and feelings any more and we started a relationship. It was exactly like a friend had said many years ago when I wanted “a boyfriend”: It happens when you don’t expect it with who you do not expect.

In sum, enjoy your life as long as you are single :wink: Some day you will find a particular girl who you want to be with.

#5

Why you say yoga and spirituality isn’t for me?

I’d think anyone can benefit from them regardless of where they are, meditation and detachment philosophy DEFINITIVELY help me when i am depressed. And i do yoga and it makes my body awesome.

and guys you misunderstand, i think i am cursed because i meet girls, and it just never works out for stupid reasons, they always find someone better or just dont like me, its not meant to be i guess, it NEVER works, imagine how it feels to meet a girl, the pray and hope it works out, THEN IT DOESN’T…

now imagine that happening about 20 times, (every girl i have tried to get with in my life)

#6

I do not know if this would be of help for you.
But, in my past, I was practicing Sarvangasana dialy in the morning. I observed that when I go to office for work, everybody(including girls) greets with a ‘Hello’ and would like to talk to me. And this Asana has improved my ‘romantic life’ as well.

May be you can try out for a month and see the results…!!

#7

Well, for one thing you are on a Yoga forum asking about finding a girlfriend and the joyless life you would have if you stopped playing video games etc :wink:

I’d think anyone can benefit from them regardless of where they are, meditation and detachment philosophy DEFINITIVELY help me when i am depressed. And i do yoga and it makes my body awesome.

Yoga is not just a a set of practices, it is an entire lifestyle committed to the goal of self-realization/god realization. You need to feel the same burning desire for self-realization/god realization that you are feeling for girlfriends, before you are even ready for this.

Not telling you to stop doing the Yoga asanas(It makes your body feel awesome right :wink: ) nor the meditation(It helps with your depression) I am just telling you, you ain’t ready for spirituality. You are too consumed by wordly desires. Thus more important than your Yoga asanas and meditation practices you maybe doing, is working directly with the desires that are consuming you. This ain’t a spiritual matter, but a wordly matter. You need to be getting dating advice on a dating website, or better go on a seduction web site, you will get tons of advice on how to be cool with girls :wink:

and guys you misunderstand, i think i am cursed because i meet girls, and it just never works out for stupid reasons, they always find someone better or just dont like me, its not meant to be i guess, it NEVER works, imagine how it feels to meet a girl, the pray and hope it works out, THEN IT DOESN’T…

now imagine that happening about 20 times, (every girl i have tried to get with in my life)

You are not cursed, you are just too desperate(I mean come on “pray that it works out”). The vibes you are giving out right now reek of desperation, and that is a total turn off for a girl, and a guy! It has happened 20 times with you, because in all 20 times you were giving of the same vibes. I mean come on you are a 22 year old boy whose attempted to commit suicide because girls don’t give you as much attention as you want :rolleyes:

Ask yourself if you were a girl, would you want to go with a guy who actually prays hard to hope it works out with you? Nah, the chances are if you were a girl you would want to go out with a guy whose got it together. Has his own independent life, hobbies, interests, friends, career goals. Such a guy does not need to pray that a girl likes him, such a guy simply shares himself with the girl and if the girl like him, they get it on, otherwise there are many other girls who will like him.

My best advice for you is to first seek some professional help regarding your psychological health and then get help on dating on dating/seduction forums etc. This is not a Yoga related issue.

#8

[QUOTE=bolno;71281]
now imagine that happening about 20 times, (every girl i have tried to get with in my life)[/QUOTE]

Wow… each one of them must have felt very special and valued :stuck_out_tongue:

Do the women’s world and the principle of Ahimsa a favour and relax! You also want to take a look at Satya before trying to win anyone’s heart (and we ARE talking about some random female subject here, as it seems.)

#9

Surya Deva, I have really enjoyed your responses to this thread. You don’t know how much I needed what you said today. Lately, I have felt like my soul hurts and is broken and now I know why. I am too absorbed in “wordly” things.

Bolno, you can’t look outside yourself for someone to give you something that you are capable of giving yourself. What are you hoping the girls give you? Confidence? Love?

I have always felt that partnership should be a choice made not out of desperation but desire. It is much more special that way. Like, I am just fine alone and can care for myself alone. I do not need someone to boost my ego, take away the loneliness, or help me love myself. So when I fall in love one day it will be for someone that I “choose” to share my life with because we enjoy each other’s company and are on the same path. Someone whom I admire but do not need to be a crutch for me. Ask not what a relationship can do for you but what you can do for a relationship. It is cheesy but true. You cultivate love within yourself and share that with others. You seem desperate for someone to give you love.

#10

[QUOTE=bolno;71263]i guess i will just never be good enough for anyone[/QUOTE]

Perhaps consider that you?ve mistakenly already made up your mind?

#11

Thank you Ami!

So when I fall in love one day it will be for someone that I “choose” to share my life with because we enjoy each other’s company and are on the same path. Someone whom I admire but do not need to be a crutch for me. Ask not what a relationship can do for you but what you can do for a relationship. It is cheesy but true.

It is not cheesy at all, it’s beautifully articulated. Some of us are simply not ready for a relationship, because we have nothing to bring to another person. First we must get our act together, then opportunities for relationships will come naturally. I often find relationships happen when I least expect them!

#12

[QUOTE=Surya Deva;71307]I often find relationships happen when I least expect them![/QUOTE]

The spontaneous is a beautify thing, if we knew ahead of time what was going to happen we?d be bored to tears.

#13

Do chakra meditation on your 2nd chakra, using sandalwood and orange candles, use the vam mantra and pay respect to the Goddess nature of reality, women will attract.
Do not stop your path, reflect on your desire for women, explore it, and above all, do not have any shame whatsoever for your desires, shame will not help, knowing yourself will.
Its wonderful you are so young on this path, lucky you, a lot of younger women in Modern mainstream culture are full of modern American Bull$hit, you will not make a good match with them, you have to be on similar levels of conciousness and emotional maturity. Find out what make YOU happy besides women and pursue that, women will want to be around you because you are happy with your self and your life.

#14

Your words speak a lot. Your perception is fatalistic ?fate?, ?forever?, ?hell?, ?never be good enough?; in your view wrong are always ?others? ?this problem?, ?they have caused me misery?; you choose self-depreciation, depression and all, which is highly egotistic. The basic error, common to your age, is the ?self-view?. You judge your own self by ?looks?, ?personality? that you must be searching in others? eyes. That is skin-deep and relationships are never built on that. Yoga says, ?you see, what you are?.

At 22 how lucky are you and then, how ignorant. The girls are not denying you, you are denying yourself, begging others to reject you. Yoga wisdom is very practical and you are shying away from it. What do you think the girls are looking for in relationship? Majority of then, stability, an anchor. Do you consider yourself such an anchor?

Spirituality is not a past-time, or a post-retirement occupation. Any moment of reckoning takes you there. Yoga?s first step is to recognize that spiritual Self within. Once you do, you are never alone. The Self, the life within, is one?s most loyal, extremely loving and unselfishly caring friend. In its company one grows emotionally, matures intellectually and becomes stable in many ways. This is then reflected in the personality. Confidence radiates and is reassuring to others. Neither would you look for ?girls? nor they would look for ?looks?. Chances are you would find someone and look for each other?s souls.

#15

surya deva how can you say spiritual life is not for him?

We are suppose to go through life in 4 stages unless we become monks.

Having family is one of them. You can strive for spirituality even though you have a family or not yet. Many saints had families

How many saints do you think became saints over 1 night? IT takes time to remodify your mind. A family and children is your best teacher towards patience.

But by saying to him he is not qualified or not fit for spiritual life is not encouraging maybe you plant a seed in his head now he is worthless. You should embrace people so that they would grow instead. Even if they seem unfit compliment their good and you will see they will start growing, we humans are like children if you say to a children he is worthless he becomes that.

TO BOLNO:
Some people didnt have luck with girls then they find THE ONE suddenly all others becomes envy, before it was you that was envy cause you wanted a girl so bad. When you stop chasing and accept what is and if it is meant to happen it will, then you will start noticing things.
If you look at it in a positive manner(all bad has something positive in it but you cant see it yet) When you find the one you will not leave her as easily , becaues you know you wont find another one that will fit you. So you value it more and if you do more spiritual work you will then also not cling to your relationship as much or be afraid to lose it as you know all is impermanent.

#16

Double post.

#17

I never said he was worthless. I said to him that his main worry at the moment is his wordly life and he should focus on that. It goes without saying that this is a Yoga forum, not a dating or teenage problems forum.

#18

I agree with fakeyogis. What wrong with talking about dating?
Brahmacharya is control of SEXUAL energy, we cannot pretend we live in a monastery, we must understand ourselves on ALL levels, so we can trandcsend ourselves,this requires being honest, and for many of us, the path is a spiral. Sexual attraction is a fact of earthly life, he is trying to understand and sort his out. And he is not a teenager, he is 22.

#19

I didnt say you say he is worthless.

But he can take it that way, even though its not likely there are a small chance, some people are sensitive and its not that easy to see who and who is not. what wouldnt affend you could affend another person.

The message was however inspire people for what little they have or is good at and they will grow. Not to see their faults. In the beginning in the spiritual life it is however normal to only see the flaws. After a while when doing progress you dont see them (you see but they dont affect you they have no power over you(mind)). Its like the nature its full of flaws , but it is very beatiful isnt it.

We all have been 22 and looking for girls if we are normal. So whats wrong with that, i dont look down at my self for being like that when i was younger it was more like a lession to be learned. Also i have an understanding that this person could be a future saint even thoug at the moment he is chasing girls. In 10 years from now he could change drastical.

Even someone most unfit can exeed us all at a later point.

And this forum is actual the best to ask such questions as we have probably more experience in those matters than john doe. Cause we observe and try to control our selfs. I think in this forum he can get most help. ALSO when you are spiritual you are obliged to help people.

So even if he is not even doing sadhana and you think he is not to talk about his problem in this forum you must help him if you can. Otherwise you are not following the spiritual path. All creatures have the right to be happy.

#20

I did help him. I identified what his main needs were and I referred him to the appropriate places where he will get the most help: Dating web sites for his problem with women and professional counselling for his suicidal thoughts.

There are much better alternatives than Yoga to his current problems. He stands to benefit a lot more from dating advice and counselling than Yoga.

I never said I looked down on him. You are reading things into my post that I did not say. On the contrary, I understand where he is coming from(I was a teen too) and I understand at this stage in his life spirituality is less important than women, socializing and partying. When he is done with that, he will be ready to move onto spirituality.